Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

I am always the last person on planet Earth to hear about the latest Internet fads and crazes. Yesterday I came upon some quite humorous Internet funnies regarding everybody's favorite Texas Ranger (sorry, Nolan), Chuck Norris. These are, of course, the Chuck Norris Facts. These have been making the rounds around the World HTTP Wide HTML Website Interweb (or WHWHWI, as us "industry types" call it) for some time now, and have finally found their way to my "recycled" work laptop (READ: my Piece of Shit old junker laptop that work has given me because they are too cheap to spring for a brand new one, that sounds like it might undergo a catastrophic failure and explode into a hell-shower of a thousand tiny plastic shards directly into my face at any given moment). You can even buy a t-shirt featuring one of the facts and the handsome visage of the man himself. Here are some personal favorites of mine:

  • There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  • Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
  • When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
  • If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.
  • When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
  • It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
  • If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  • How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.


3 Comments:

  • At 4:27 PM, Blogger Instant_Karma said…

    Iain, you're awsome. Chris (roomie) has already read some of these crazy norris facts to me, but I swear, they just keep getting more ridiculous. Awsome.

     
  • At 8:01 AM, Anonymous Gise{{e said…

    Chuck out this Chuck Norris artwork by Brandon Bird: http://ffmedia.ign.com/filmforce/image/article/681/681203/interview-brandon-bird-20060130061630870-000.jpg

    He is the also the author of "Children's Letters to Christopher Walken."

     
  • At 10:41 AM, Blogger iaingillis said…

    As my good friend Paris would say, "That's hot."

     

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