Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Friday, March 10, 2006

America's Next Top Vacuous, Anorexic, Personality-Challenged Walking Billboard

Once again I feel like ranting about a subject that most normal, intelligent adults would never give more than a second's thought to. This is my burden in life. Well, that, and cancer. Anyways, today's target of my RAGE LASER is... America's Next Top Model!

I'm going to start off here by apologizing to anybody involved in the fashion industry. Not because I am afraid that I might offend you with my comments; I'm just sorry that you are involved in the fashion industry. This is an industry in which its basic function is to tell us, the ignorant masses, what is "fashionable" and "current" in clothing and design (and don't forget body types). That is bullshit. Wear what you want, when you want, end of story. But I digress...

For those of you who have better things to do than watch 8 hours of TV a day (What do you all do with your time? Read books?), ANTM pits 30 hopeful models against each other, with the winner at the end getting a big modelling contract or something. There are so many things in this show that annoy me I don't know where to start:

- The walking-talking VOIDS OF INTELLIGENCE that are the contestants. Outside of a few girls I've seen, the combined IQ of the models on this show would probably compare to that of a trained circus chimp. There certainly aren't too many MENSA members on this show.

- The contrived "drama". Much of the show's "appeal" apparently comes from the fact that the girls all live together in a house, quite similar to EVERY FUCKING REALITY TV SHOW EVER MADE! The cattyness and in-fighting looks so contrived that your average soap opera seems like a documentary in comparison.

- The idea that being a fashion model is hard work. BULL. SHEEIT. Being a surgeon is hard. Being a garbageman is hard. Being a model is flying around the world, wearing insanely expensive clothes and jewels (or no clothes at all), and looking pretty.

- The judges. Wow. These guys make The Queer Eye guys look like the offensive line of the Denver Broncos. And before the hate mail comes flooding in: I have nothing against gay guys, but come on now, does anybody have to be THAT FLAMING. Too each their own and all that, but their constant mincing and You go girl!s, Ooh, girlfriend you fine!s, and Oh no she didint!s make me feel like I'm stuck on the set of Ricki Lake getting pistol-whipped by Liberace.

- Tyra Banks. She gets a special nod here. Her "homegirl vocabulary" sounds about as natural as Vanilla Ice's. Her talk show is sub-Tony Danza. She is Satan and has come to Earth to take over my cable box.


  • At 11:28 a.m., Blogger Kathryn said…

    is this because i made you sit through it the other night?

    i like pretty pictures.

    what can i say?

  • At 11:59 a.m., Blogger iaingillis said…

    No. I just think the show is poop.

    Not to say that I wouldn't watch it with you again...

  • At 6:49 p.m., Anonymous Gise!!e said…

    Pfft. You think you're better than Tyra just because you have a soul and a brain and a good personality and meaningful life?! Celebrity empathy. Learn it. Live it. We need them. They don't know us or care who we are. But we need them.

    Is this what it feels like..when doves cry?

  • At 3:55 a.m., Anonymous bridget said…

    i used to love that show back when i had tv. and looking pretty is hard work, that's why i don't bother.


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