Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Friday, March 31, 2006

I would like a shot of Black Bush, a bag of Creamy Collon, and some Spotted Dick, please.

Rude Food

Oh, those foreigners and their wacky product names...

Thursday, March 30, 2006

What 'cha gonna do with all them breasts, all them breasts up in that shirt..."

Juno-mania has descended upon this fair city. Will I run into Pamela Anderson and ask her what it was like working with David Hasselhoff? Will I run into the Black Eyed Peas and ask them to please stop making music? Will I just stay home and watch old Law and Order reruns in my underwear while eating Doritos and Dr. Pepper? Only time will tell...

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Third post of the day... productivity is for the weak.

Children's Letters To Christopher Walken.

Be sure to check out the rest of Brandon Bird's site as well. There's is some great artwork there. I particularly like the painting of Bea Arthur wrestling the velociraptor.

Bunch of savages in this town...

Clerks II teaser trailer.

I really hope Kevin Smith didn't drop the ball on this one. I'll go see it, obviously, but I have my doubts as to the potential quality of this sequel. We shall see.

Stuff

V For Vendetta: I saw this last week at the cinemas. Thank Jeebus that there are finally some movies in the theatres that are worth shelling out $10 for. You can now add me to the growing list of people who have a major crush on Natalie Portman. From her SNL rap, to her performance in this movie, to my new found appreciation of bald women, I too have jumped on the Natalie bandwagon.

Inside Man: I also saw this on the weekend. I also recommend this one as well. Nothing like a good heist movie, says I.

Mu Shu Pork: Kathryn and I ordered some Mu Shu last night for the first time, and we are now both converts. The best way to describe it is that it's kind of like a Chinese version of a soft taco or fajita, with a thin pancake taking the place of a tortilla shell. Good stuff.

New chemo: I'm a couple weeks in to my new chemo regimen, and it's going well. I haven't had any real adverse reactions to the new pills, and haven't had any calls from the clinic about low blood counts, so I can't complain too much on that front. Only 28 more weeks to go.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Scientology: Religion, Business, or A Bunch of Bat-Shit Crazy Wackos Who Follow The Psychotic Ramblings Of A Mediocre Science Fiction Writer?

Inside Scientology:Unlocking the complex code of America's most mysterious religion

Take the time to read this excellent article from Rolling Stone. It's eye-opening, to say the least.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

I am always the last person on planet Earth to hear about the latest Internet fads and crazes. Yesterday I came upon some quite humorous Internet funnies regarding everybody's favorite Texas Ranger (sorry, Nolan), Chuck Norris. These are, of course, the Chuck Norris Facts. These have been making the rounds around the World HTTP Wide HTML Website Interweb (or WHWHWI, as us "industry types" call it) for some time now, and have finally found their way to my "recycled" work laptop (READ: my Piece of Shit old junker laptop that work has given me because they are too cheap to spring for a brand new one, that sounds like it might undergo a catastrophic failure and explode into a hell-shower of a thousand tiny plastic shards directly into my face at any given moment). You can even buy a t-shirt featuring one of the facts and the handsome visage of the man himself. Here are some personal favorites of mine:

  • There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  • Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
  • When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
  • If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.
  • When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
  • It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
  • If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  • How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.


Tuesday, March 21, 2006

"He ragtagged 'im right in the belly-welly, and now he be goin' to the pay windah..."

Some excellent phrases from famed pro-wrestler, and master linguist, "The American Dream", Dusty Rhodes.

belly-welly (BEL-e WEL-e) - n. the belly, higher than and in front of the lutamus maxmus (seelutamus maxmus).
bidness (BID-nis) - n. one's current affairs, ex. "Taking care of bidness"
cadillac (KAD-lac) - adj. pertaining to a high-risk maneuver or "cat-like" move, usually from the top rope.
clubberin (KLUB-ber-in) - (1)n. the art of a duo placing their four clinched hands on a single opponent; (2)n. four fistses on one head; (3)v. to deliver such a beating.
esactly (ez-AK-lay) - int. a word expressing agreement.
filibustrin' (FIL-i-bus-trin) - v. speaking in a long-winded fashion, a derivative of the English "filibuster".
fisties (FIS-tays) - n. plural for the clenched hand, a derivative of the English "fist". Usually used in sets of four.
fistises (FIS-tis-ays) - n. alternate form of fisties.
hully gully (HUL-e GUL-e) - the predicament a wrestler finds himself in when hanging between the ring ropes or possibly tangled within said ropes.
indubbuyo (in-dub-YO) - n. the organization commonly referred to as the New World Order (NWO).
lutamus maxmus (LUTE-a-mus MAX-mus) - n. the hindquarters or glute muscles, often used in reference to landings or kickings. ex. "He landed right on his lutamus maxmus!"
muthaship (MU-tha-ship) - n. proper name for the WCW Saturday Night television program.
pay winda (PAY win-da) - n. the intended location of a wrestler who is victorious on the muthaship (see muthaship).
plunder (PLUN-da) - a piece of furniture, usu. a table, brought to the wrestling ring as a weapon, whether it is used directly or indirectly
ragtaggin' (RAG-tag-gin) - (1)n. a physical fight or tussle; (2)v. fighting.
rightowrong (RITE-o-rong) - int. a word used to seek agreement from another party.
slobberknockin (SLOB-a-nok-a) - v. to hit one with enough force as to relieve one's mouth of excess saliva (see official Jim Ross Dictionary as well)
thang (THANG) - (1) - n. one or all of the genitals; (2)n. any noun for which there is no other description.
tree of woe (TRE OF WO) - n. a wrestling move employed usu. by Kevin Sullivan that involves hanging the opponent upside down on the turnbuckle.
uncle (UNK-ul) - v. to force another (person) to submit.
unklin' (UNK-lin) - n. a win by submission.
whirlybird (WHUR-lay BURD) - n. proper name for a tilt-a-whirl suplex.
drawersy (DROR-zey) - adj. the act of falling asleep or one who is getting tired.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Yo Dawg, Whazzup Wit Yo Teef?!

In honour of St. Patrick's Day, I've decided to post some photos of one of my favorite Irishmen, Shane MacGowan. Enjoy. Ahem.

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This young lady is showing the usual reaction that most people have when getting a close look at Shane.

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Stay back ladies, if you can...

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Ahh, the dulcet tones of Mr. MacGowan could sooth the most savage of wild beasts...

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If you look up the term "sneaky drunk" in the dictionary, this is all you see.

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I believe this photo was taken from the Shane MacGowan Diet and Exercise video...

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Check out the "crazy eyes".

Thursday, March 16, 2006

"This is not a democracy, this is a cheerocracy..."

Cheerleading: A Sport In Crisis

This was the best article I've read on cheerleading all week (it's actually quite good. Really. Sports. Sex. Gender issues. The religous right. The liberal left. It's all there.)

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

L. Ron Strikes Again!

Isaac Hayes Leaves South Park

I had no idea Isaac Hayes was a Scientologist. Is nobody safe from their infernal clutches?

Until We Meet Again...

I started my new chemo drugs today, which means that as of right now, and for the next 30 weeks or so, I am BOOZE FREE. When the Precautions section of the drug pamphlet says DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL in big, bold letters, that kind of gets your attention. C'est la vie. So it looks like St. Patrick's day on Friday will be full of ginger ale instead of ALE ale. Meh. Maybe if I look at it as 30 hangover-free weeks, it will make the situation a little less depressing.

Friday, March 10, 2006

And Here You Thought Working At Neverland Ranch Would Be A Solid Career Move...

Workers Barred From Neverland

Let's just hope Bubbles can find a place to stay. There aren't too many ads in the "Roomate Wanted" section stating:

Wanted: One roomate. Must enjoy bananas, flinging his/her own feces, spending time in hermetically sealed bubbles. Non-smoker, please.

P.S. - No fatties.

America's Next Top Vacuous, Anorexic, Personality-Challenged Walking Billboard

Once again I feel like ranting about a subject that most normal, intelligent adults would never give more than a second's thought to. This is my burden in life. Well, that, and cancer. Anyways, today's target of my RAGE LASER is... America's Next Top Model!

I'm going to start off here by apologizing to anybody involved in the fashion industry. Not because I am afraid that I might offend you with my comments; I'm just sorry that you are involved in the fashion industry. This is an industry in which its basic function is to tell us, the ignorant masses, what is "fashionable" and "current" in clothing and design (and don't forget body types). That is bullshit. Wear what you want, when you want, end of story. But I digress...

For those of you who have better things to do than watch 8 hours of TV a day (What do you all do with your time? Read books?), ANTM pits 30 hopeful models against each other, with the winner at the end getting a big modelling contract or something. There are so many things in this show that annoy me I don't know where to start:

- The walking-talking VOIDS OF INTELLIGENCE that are the contestants. Outside of a few girls I've seen, the combined IQ of the models on this show would probably compare to that of a trained circus chimp. There certainly aren't too many MENSA members on this show.

- The contrived "drama". Much of the show's "appeal" apparently comes from the fact that the girls all live together in a house, quite similar to EVERY FUCKING REALITY TV SHOW EVER MADE! The cattyness and in-fighting looks so contrived that your average soap opera seems like a documentary in comparison.

- The idea that being a fashion model is hard work. BULL. SHEEIT. Being a surgeon is hard. Being a garbageman is hard. Being a model is flying around the world, wearing insanely expensive clothes and jewels (or no clothes at all), and looking pretty.

- The judges. Wow. These guys make The Queer Eye guys look like the offensive line of the Denver Broncos. And before the hate mail comes flooding in: I have nothing against gay guys, but come on now, does anybody have to be THAT FLAMING. Too each their own and all that, but their constant mincing and You go girl!s, Ooh, girlfriend you fine!s, and Oh no she didint!s make me feel like I'm stuck on the set of Ricki Lake getting pistol-whipped by Liberace.

- Tyra Banks. She gets a special nod here. Her "homegirl vocabulary" sounds about as natural as Vanilla Ice's. Her talk show is sub-Tony Danza. She is Satan and has come to Earth to take over my cable box.

Monday, March 06, 2006

You'd figure he'd show up on a potato...

Image of Jesus appears on a cloth in P.E.I.

I always take these images of Jesus (or the Virgin Mary) with a grain of salt. Everytime he appears on a piece of cloth, Tim Horton's window, or taco shell, the image could be interpreted as many different things (or nothing at all even). Granted, the picture included in the article may indeed be that of Jesus. Although it may be an image of Ted Nugent. It's hard to tell.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Music Sucks, Chapter The Second

Bear with me a while I vent about another horrible pop group that I've seen a lot of lately: Hedley.

These sissyboys represent everything that is lame, corporate, and safe about modern day popular music. Hedley make emo bands look like Slayer. I bet 13 year old girls just can't get enough of this pap. Hedley is basically "rock n' roll that even Mom could enjoy". Some people may see these pantywaists as heartfelt, idealistic young people, carving out there own niche of the rock world with their hearts on their sleeves. Those people should be rounded up and beaten with phonebooks. Hedley are the quintessential "mall band", in that you could easily imagine being subjected to their whiny wheedleings in any number of mall stores, such as The Gap, Le Chateau, Hot Topic, etc., etc..

To top it off, the front "man" (the term "man" being used in the loosest of senses here) of this band used to be on Canadian Idol. Nuff said.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Music Sucks

For lack of anything better to post, here is an incredibly spot-on review of that cringe-inducing Black Eyed Peas song, "My Humps", courtesy of Ruthless Reviews.

To add my two-cents, "My Humps" has to be one of the absolute worst songs I have ever heard, in my life, EVER. Who the fuck is listening to this audio diarrhea? It's sub-Macarena. I wouldn't make my worst enemy listen to this song. Although, to be fair, I do approve of the song's usage of the plural form of the word "breast", as in, "What'cha gonna do with all them breasts, all them breasts inside that shirt?" I would have also accepted use of the word "breasties" or even "breastesies". I don't know if I would accept "breasticles", or "chesticles". I have my limits.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

...And Go To Straight To Bed Without Any Dinner!

Halifax Regional School Board Could be Dissolved

The gist of this story is that due to a few internal board spats, some meetings have been cancelled, and the deputy minister of education has given the board until March 31 to "straighten up and fly right", or else the board will be dissolved.

The funniest thing about the story is that some dude (this is an ADULT MALE, remember) got all in a tizzy because the seating plan was changed. The seating plan? How junior high school. He probably was pissed off that he couldn't pass notes to the cute girl that sat in front of him anymore. It's nice to know that adults in positions of authority can be just as juvenile as 13 year olds. Lame-O.