Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Dear Santa...

... Or Crazy Blog Reader With Lots Of Expendable Cash And A Kind Heart

Here is a list of things that I have absolutle no need of, but if any of you out there get caught up in the consumer side of the Christmas spirit and want to make a nice young man smile on the 25th, here are some suggestions:

Pop-up Hot Dog Cooker - I was just thinking about how hard it is to cook up a hot dog. I believe that it's up there with making the perfect souffle, or the perfect roast turkey.

Egg Poaching Toaster - I like this because I like things that do more than one thing. I like my machines to be multi-tasking.

3-in-1 Rotating Game Table - Once again, multi-tasking here. I also like things that rotate. And tabletop hockey is rad.

Home Arcade System - Show me a guy who doesn't want a full-size arcade system in their house, and I'll show you a fictional construct who only exists inside your imagination, because every guy wants a full-size arcade system in their house.

Remote Control R2D2 - This is useful, because if I'm ever being held hostage by an evil inter-galactic warlord, I could send this puppy out with an S.O.S.. It could happen.

Robosapien V2 - Unlike R2, Robosapien has the opposable digits necessary to perform such important household tasks, such as "Fetch Iain a beer.", or "Fetch Iain a Snack", or "Fetch Iain The Remote, Even Though It Is Only Two Feet Away And He Could Easily Get It Himself." He will be an invaluable asset to my currently nonexistent household robot collection.

Roomba Discovery Robotic Floor Vac - Roomba will clean up all of the messes caused by Robosapien's shoddy work. He's infuriating, but I just can't stay mad at him.

Desktop Carnivorous Plant Set - I like the idea that I could have something on my desktop with the power to kill.

Swiss Army USB - Aw, even the venerable Swiss Army knife could not avoid our societies need to store digital information in every frigging device ever made. I like the little scissors, myself.

Ambient Weather Beacon - I like to imagine my friends walking into my house, looking at this weird glowing box in the corner, and asking "What is that thing?", to which I reply, "Oh, that... that's just my Ambient Weather Beacon. Now, if you excuse me, I've got to go take the Turbolift up to the roof. My jet pack is just sitting on the helipad, and I think that it's going to rain."

M400 Skycar Prototype - Kind of makes your neighbours new Land Rover look like a piece of shit now, doesn't it?

Indycar Series Simulator - Here's the plan:

1. Invite friends over.
2. Tell them you have just bought a new videogame system.
3. Show them this bad boy.
4. Have maid mop up floor, as friends have likely pissed themselves in astonishment by this point.

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