Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Friday, May 27, 2005

Everybody's Workin' For The Weekend...

I just got my unemployed ass a J-O-B.

Up yours, world.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

"I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast." - W.C. Fields

Say hello to my first foray into the world of fruity cocktails:

The Lisping Sailor

2 parts gin
1 part cherry brandy
3 parts cran-raspberry juice

Shake with ice. Garnish with a single cherry and a couple of raspberries. Say goodbye to your testicles (if you have any to begin with).

Enjoy responsibly.

Darkness Is Speading...

Just in case anybody out there was wondering, the DVD of Chappelle's Show, Season 2, is every bit as funny as you would think that it would be. I can think of few better ways to spend $30 Canadian. Go out and get them shits A.S.A.P.. It truly is the gift that keeps on giving.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Riddle Me This, Batman

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Frank Gorshin: 1934 - 2005

What weighs six ounces, sits in a tree and is very dangerous?

A sparrow with a machine gun!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

It's A Celebration Bitches, Enjoy Yourself!

Wow. One year old. Amazing. In honour of this blog's one year anniversary, here is a delightful recipe for Steak Tartare. Enjoy, and thank you for your patronage.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Search Engine Hijinks

I was just checking my blog statistics, and was looking at some of the various search engine phrases that have led people to my site. The first one I saw was this:

drunken halifax nights

Yeah, that just about sums it up for me. Some other interesting phrases:

sydney academy goth
pogo frankfurter on a stick
scabies onions
jar doo chicken
songs about onions

So, if anybody involved in the "onion industry" is looking for a song to use in an ad campaign or something, I apologize. However, as I write this, I am working on a song called "Vidalia", which is sung to the tune of "Cecilia", by Simon & Garfunkel. Check back later for updates.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Paraskevidekatriaphobia, anyone?

"You don't get that time back!" - Mary Walsh as Martha Stewart

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Now what rhymes with Nantucket?

My good buddy Jon pointed out that today is National Limerick Day. Here's one I just whipped up:

There was a young man from Toledo,
Who lounged on the beach in his Speedo.
He jumped in the water,
On top of my daughter,
And her babies I now have to feed-o.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

"And I raaaan, I ran so far awaaaay..."

You folks have all heard about Jennifer Wilbanks by now, right? You know, the "runaway bride" from Duluth, Georgia, whose disappearance prompted a state-wide manhunt and accusations from the media about foulplay being involved. In the end, it was simply a case of cold feet. Oops. Anywhoo, The Smoking Gun has gotten a hold of some letters written to Duluth city hall on this matter (all from private citizens), and there is some pretty funny shit in there. Bon appetit.

"Letters, we get letters, we get stacks and stacks of letters... LETTERS!"

Monday, May 09, 2005

"Mmmm, an open-faced sand wedge...."

You know what really sucks? Opening your cupboard and seeing that you have half a loaf of bread left, but then suddenly realizing that the expiration date is tomorrow. Suddenly, you begin to furiously rummage around in the dark recesses of your mind, desperately looking for a recipe for a club sandwich or bread pudding. Don't get me wrong, I like peanut butter on toast as much as the next guy, but 12 slices in one day is a bit much. In that vain, here are some websites about sandwiches. Enjoy.

History Of The Sandwich
Recipe Zaar sandwich recipes
A day in the life of a McDonald's employee (yes, burgers count as sandwiches)
The Miracle Of Wonder Bread Science Club: Dropping Toast

Friday, May 06, 2005

Caught In A Mosh

So I went out and saw Death From Above 1979 last night at The Attic. I had a great time, but have a minor complaint: some people in this fair city have absolutely no moshing etiquette. Now, I realize that moshing has gone the way of the Dodo, Lollapalooza, and flannel shirts, so the "yout's of today" may not be "hip" to the various do's and don'ts of moshing. I think that these people should be rounded up, locked in a room, and be forced to read this article: WRECKTHEPLACEFANTASTIC: A Metaphysics of the Mosh Pit. WARNING: the guy who wrote this seems to be an aging hipster who likes to namedrop obscure indie-rock bands and flaunt his impressive vocabulary (that liberal arts degree has to be good for something, right?). He even refers to the movement inside a mosh pit as "Brownian motion". Right. It's a good article though.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

The Countdown Is On

I just realized that it in exactly two weeks from today, this blog will be one year old. Stayed tuned for the Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions One Year Birthday Blowout Spectacular on May 18! It's gonna be a happening!

Puff Daddy, What Can't You Teach Us?

So I caught this tiny little article today on my idol Paris Hilton's empire building aspirations, and it got me to thinkin'. Seeing as how my professional career is currently at a standstill, now is the perfect time to build the foundations of my own empire. Of course, I don't have the luxury of being born obscenely rich, but I hear stories all the time of folks who started out with nothing and ended up as huge successes, so I'm still hopeful. So, if anybody out there has any suggestions as to how I can jump-start the Iain Gillis Empire, please leave me your suggestions in the comments of this post. I promise that I won't forget you when I make it to the top, and I'm cruising down Rodeo Drive with Paris and Puffy in my stretch Hummer.