Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Back By Popular Demand

The Top 5 Dumbest Things I Have Done While Drunk (That I Can Remember)

  1. January, 1998
    This was during my first year at St. Francis Xavier University. At that time I was still in Engineering, and the night in question was the first Engineering Society social event of the term. Now, keep in mind that I barely touched a drop of booze in high school, so at this point in my life I was pretty much a greenhorn when it came to drinking. Without getting into too much graphic detail, here is a quick précis of the evening (as recounted to me by various friends and witnesses): 4 beer, half of a pint of vodka (straight), 2 disgusting Jack Daniels coolers that they don't even make anymore. Then I leave the dorm and head to the bar. People start buying rounds. 17 or so odd drinks later, I throw up in the bathroom, pick a fight with a varsity linebacker, break a chair, knock over a table of drinks, throw up on the floor, stumble back to rez, run face first into the back of a parked Ford Tempo, break nose, go to hospital, have doctor set nose back into place, give the poor nurse all kinds of shit, go home, pass out, wake up, two day hangover, the end. Luckily for me, I was able to get the worst drunken night of my life out of the way early on in my boozing career. It'll be hard to top that one.

  2. Customer Appreciation Night (I think), The Golden X Inn, 2000
    The Golden X Inn is St. F.X.'s campus bar, and a fine one at that. Now in my third and final year at X, my years of living in residence at one of the most notorious party schools in North America has honed my drinking skills to that of an Olympic athlete. Although much more responsible in my boozing, every once in awhile things can get a little "too fun". I don't remember exactly if it was Customer Appreciation Night at The Inn, but some kind of special event must have been going on, because I was there during the day, and it was packed. I vaguely remember getting into a fight with my girlfriend at the time, after which I stormed out of the bar to the Student Union building. In a very uncharacteristic moment of weakness and stupidity, I punch a mailbox in a fit of drunken rage. The mailbox won. I then announce that I am going home to our apartment, and march off in a huff. Unfortunately for me, in order to leave the building, I had to walk down a flight of 50 or so concrete steps. I missed the first couple, and then proceeded to roll down the rest. Wary to show any signs of weakness in my state of righteous indignation, I then walked away with my head held high. Cut to two hours later: I'm lying prostrate in my bed, covered head to toe in various scrapes and bruises, and feeling like the world's biggest jackass. Not one of my prouder moments, to be sure, but whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or something to that effect.

  3. St. Patrick's Day, The Old Triangle, 2001
    By now I was in Halifax attending Dalhousie University. I was older and wiser, and my days of making terrible drunken decisions were well behind me.

    Or were they?

    No; no they were not. I had decided to spend this St. Patrick's day with my friend Chris Cameron, an old high school chum. You wouldn't think that an astro physicist would be a big drinker, but then you obviously have never met Mr. Cameron. We decided to get an early start on things, so we headed down to the Triangle (which was at that point a very new bar in Halifax) at 10 AM. We waited outside the bar until opening time, which was 11 AM, passing the time by talking to strangers and sneaking some sips from a friend's flask. Once inside, that is where the trouble began. Don't get me wrong, I had an absolute blast that day, and it ranks as the best St. Patrick's day I have ever experienced. The problem arised when it was time to settle the bill. When the waiter came by our table to get our first food and drink orders in, I had the brilliant idea to give him my credit card and run a tab for me. A bit of advice: never give the bar your credit card to run a tab, for you will soon regret it. We stayed at the bar until around 7 PM or so, and much merriment was had. $250 worth of merriment, to be precise. This may not seem that crazy, but keep in mind that I was a simple university student, and my average expeditures during a night of drinking usually hovered around $20-30. You've got to pay to play, and I certainly paid and played that day.

  4. Some night, leaving The Marquee Club
    Read about this little excursion in my archives.

  5. Jason Wong Passes The CA Exam
    This was a few summers ago (or was it fall?). My good friend Jason had finally become a Chartered Accountant, and his firm (along with several other accountancy firms in the city) had decided to throw the graduates a little party. They rented out a bar, and paid the tab. Jason invited myself and Mike, another Sydney rastabout, to join him. Not one to pass up free drinks, I heartily accepted his invitation. The evening started out fairly tame, as I was only ordering one beer at a time (I didn't want to take advantage of Jay's employer's courtesy). Eventually, I came to realize that the majority of the people there were all friends of somebody, and nobody cared how much free hooch you drank. The race was on. Mike, Jay, and I began ordering drinks by the armload. We were guzzling drinks like somebody was going to take them away from us. At one point I ordered 20 shooters ("Blue Eyed Blondes" - half Blue Curacao, half Creme de Banane) and started handing them out to strangers. All of this was well and good: I was having fun, I wasn't doing anything stupid, and amazingly, I was in good control of my faculties. It was the next day when the fun stopped. I had probably the second-worst hangover of my young life, behind the "car incident". But hey, free drinks are free drinks, and you can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs. Buy the ticket, take the ride. And so forth.


  • At 12:39 p.m., Blogger wyn said…

    haha, those are awesome stories! war stories for our generations. =D i think i have like only top two major drunken and they're not nearly as funny =P

  • At 11:51 p.m., Anonymous Jon said…

    Hah! That's our man Iain, now one half of the infamous drinking/crimefighting team known only as G-Unit.

    Hope you're having fun in Halifax hanging out with my girlfriend. I'll try to live it up out here and do ya proud.


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