Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Nostalgia... How About Funstalgia?!

Check out some of the weird crap people used to eat back in the olden days!!! This site even has pictures of my all-time favorite cereal, Boo Berry. My second favorite cereal was, of course, C-3POs.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Dude, my chi could totally use some boosting...

Lately I've been seeing a lot of ads for those Q-Ray Ionized Bracelet dealies. You know, those magical bracelets that are supposed to relieve all sorts of pain, balance your chi, or boost your chi, or some such nonsense. Everytime I catch one of their infomercials or ad spots, I feel like hunting down the people responsible for this crock of shit and giving them a stern talking to. It simply boggles my mind to think that some people actually put their faith (and hard earned money) into scams like this. So, consider today's post a public service announcement: if any of you ever think about purchasing a Q-Ray bracelet, smack yourself in the face five times, then go sit in the corner until you've thought about what you've done. That's the only way you'll learn.

Quackwatch.org on the Q-Ray

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Back By Popular Demand

The Top 5 Dumbest Things I Have Done While Drunk (That I Can Remember)

  1. January, 1998
    This was during my first year at St. Francis Xavier University. At that time I was still in Engineering, and the night in question was the first Engineering Society social event of the term. Now, keep in mind that I barely touched a drop of booze in high school, so at this point in my life I was pretty much a greenhorn when it came to drinking. Without getting into too much graphic detail, here is a quick précis of the evening (as recounted to me by various friends and witnesses): 4 beer, half of a pint of vodka (straight), 2 disgusting Jack Daniels coolers that they don't even make anymore. Then I leave the dorm and head to the bar. People start buying rounds. 17 or so odd drinks later, I throw up in the bathroom, pick a fight with a varsity linebacker, break a chair, knock over a table of drinks, throw up on the floor, stumble back to rez, run face first into the back of a parked Ford Tempo, break nose, go to hospital, have doctor set nose back into place, give the poor nurse all kinds of shit, go home, pass out, wake up, two day hangover, the end. Luckily for me, I was able to get the worst drunken night of my life out of the way early on in my boozing career. It'll be hard to top that one.

  2. Customer Appreciation Night (I think), The Golden X Inn, 2000
    The Golden X Inn is St. F.X.'s campus bar, and a fine one at that. Now in my third and final year at X, my years of living in residence at one of the most notorious party schools in North America has honed my drinking skills to that of an Olympic athlete. Although much more responsible in my boozing, every once in awhile things can get a little "too fun". I don't remember exactly if it was Customer Appreciation Night at The Inn, but some kind of special event must have been going on, because I was there during the day, and it was packed. I vaguely remember getting into a fight with my girlfriend at the time, after which I stormed out of the bar to the Student Union building. In a very uncharacteristic moment of weakness and stupidity, I punch a mailbox in a fit of drunken rage. The mailbox won. I then announce that I am going home to our apartment, and march off in a huff. Unfortunately for me, in order to leave the building, I had to walk down a flight of 50 or so concrete steps. I missed the first couple, and then proceeded to roll down the rest. Wary to show any signs of weakness in my state of righteous indignation, I then walked away with my head held high. Cut to two hours later: I'm lying prostrate in my bed, covered head to toe in various scrapes and bruises, and feeling like the world's biggest jackass. Not one of my prouder moments, to be sure, but whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or something to that effect.

  3. St. Patrick's Day, The Old Triangle, 2001
    By now I was in Halifax attending Dalhousie University. I was older and wiser, and my days of making terrible drunken decisions were well behind me.

    Or were they?

    No; no they were not. I had decided to spend this St. Patrick's day with my friend Chris Cameron, an old high school chum. You wouldn't think that an astro physicist would be a big drinker, but then you obviously have never met Mr. Cameron. We decided to get an early start on things, so we headed down to the Triangle (which was at that point a very new bar in Halifax) at 10 AM. We waited outside the bar until opening time, which was 11 AM, passing the time by talking to strangers and sneaking some sips from a friend's flask. Once inside, that is where the trouble began. Don't get me wrong, I had an absolute blast that day, and it ranks as the best St. Patrick's day I have ever experienced. The problem arised when it was time to settle the bill. When the waiter came by our table to get our first food and drink orders in, I had the brilliant idea to give him my credit card and run a tab for me. A bit of advice: never give the bar your credit card to run a tab, for you will soon regret it. We stayed at the bar until around 7 PM or so, and much merriment was had. $250 worth of merriment, to be precise. This may not seem that crazy, but keep in mind that I was a simple university student, and my average expeditures during a night of drinking usually hovered around $20-30. You've got to pay to play, and I certainly paid and played that day.

  4. Some night, leaving The Marquee Club
    Read about this little excursion in my archives.

  5. Jason Wong Passes The CA Exam
    This was a few summers ago (or was it fall?). My good friend Jason had finally become a Chartered Accountant, and his firm (along with several other accountancy firms in the city) had decided to throw the graduates a little party. They rented out a bar, and paid the tab. Jason invited myself and Mike, another Sydney rastabout, to join him. Not one to pass up free drinks, I heartily accepted his invitation. The evening started out fairly tame, as I was only ordering one beer at a time (I didn't want to take advantage of Jay's employer's courtesy). Eventually, I came to realize that the majority of the people there were all friends of somebody, and nobody cared how much free hooch you drank. The race was on. Mike, Jay, and I began ordering drinks by the armload. We were guzzling drinks like somebody was going to take them away from us. At one point I ordered 20 shooters ("Blue Eyed Blondes" - half Blue Curacao, half Creme de Banane) and started handing them out to strangers. All of this was well and good: I was having fun, I wasn't doing anything stupid, and amazingly, I was in good control of my faculties. It was the next day when the fun stopped. I had probably the second-worst hangover of my young life, behind the "car incident". But hey, free drinks are free drinks, and you can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs. Buy the ticket, take the ride. And so forth.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

"Hey Ma, git into the rumpus room and switch on the Hi-Fi sytem, will ya? I'm fixin' to listen to some records!"

Frank's Vinyl Museum: A great little exhibit of weird albums. He even has some Real Audio samples in there. Everything from the Ethel Merman Disco Album, to Jesus Is A Soul Man, to a Parakeet Training Album. Nice.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I, for one, welcome our sexy new robot overlords.

Robot sex used to be just a magical dream. Now, it's science-fact!

Trouble is, you still have to buy the robot dinner first. Baddump bump bump. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal, and don't forget to tip your waiters. You're a beautiful audience.

Monday, April 18, 2005

This Week In "Tinfoil Hat Corner"

Somebody had better call Mulder and Scully in on this one.

By the way, you should definitely check out the Technology section of the India Daily website. It has a very tabloidish feel to it, but it's still mildly amusing.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Sad Songs Are Something Something

For anybody who has stumbled on to my Internet "web log" (or "blog", as we call it in the industry) from this page, I apologize. There are no sad songs on this page (unless, in a poetic sense, you consider this page itself to be a "sad song"). However, in the interest of pleasing all those who find their way to my little dank corner of "cyberspace" (once again, I apologize for my use of jargon here), here is a sad song. Enjoy.

"The Lonesome Loser" by The Little River Band
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

Oohoohooh .... oooh ....

Sit down, take a look at yourself
Don't you want to be somebody
Someday somebody's gonna see inside
You have to face up, you can't run and hide

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

Unlucky in love, least that's what they say
He lost his head and he gambled his heart away
He still keeps searching though there's nothing left
Staked his heart and lost, now he has to pay the cost.

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

"It's okay", he smiles and says
Though this loneliness is driving him crazy,
He don't show what goes on in his head,
but if you watch very close you'll see it all

Sit down, take a look at yourself
Don't you want to be somebody
Someday somebody's gonna see inside
You have to face up, you can't run and hide

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Now tell me have you heard about the lonesome loser

"Well I gotta get drunk and I sure do dread it, cause I know just what I'm gonna do..."

Here is a site for all of my friends who think that I drink a lot. I'm a lightweight compared to this guy. I also don't have a rap sheet.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Reading is the new T.V.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

"Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto"

I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords:

Robot valet parking.
Robot police chiefs.
Robot sharks.

I'm pretty sure that this guy is the robot's leader.