Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Friday, January 07, 2005

Get Down With The Sickness

The 5 Worst Things That Come With The Flu

  1. The Hacking Cough
    There are not many experiences in life that are quite as shitty as waking up at 2:00 A.M. in the morning, hacking up a lung like you're a 75-year old lifetime smoker with a tracheomoty. Did you ever listen to yourself breath when you were in this condition? You sound like a cross between Darth Vader and Marlon Brando as Don Corleone, without all the cool Force powers or political influence.

  2. Buckley's Mixture
    Alas, with the hacking cough comes the Buckley's. Few cough medicines work as well as this vile tasting herbal mixture, but on the other hand, very few come close to having the nausea-inducing, mad scientist created, Seventh Seal Of Hell taste as good 'ol Buckley's. This is cough medicine as envisioned by a crazed wizard in a tower somewhere.

  3. The Fever
    Nothing like having a body temperature of over 100 degrees Celsius, just while lying around and doing nothing, eh? And the horrible sweats that come along with the fever... fantastic! The really great thing is when your sweat starts to evaporate and you get the chills. Hot and cold at the same time. It's like standing on a hot plate in the Artic Circle.

  4. The Dehydration
    No matter how much water or O.J. you pour down your gullet, you still feel like you're stuck in the middle of the Sahara. The flu is like a hangover that sticks around for 3 or 4 days. At least with a hangover, you know that you had some fun beforehand anyways.

  5. The Upset Stomach
    Got the flu? Prepare to become "intimately acquainted" with your toilet bowl. This is the cherry on the sundae. As if you didn't feel bad enough already, you get to spend some quality time face down in place, as Bill Cosby once put it, "that was never built for your face." Just lovely.

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