Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Monday, January 31, 2005

"We're gonna have us a Champagne Jam."

Check out the Audio section of for an unreleased Ween MP3. It is a version of "Champagne Jam" by the Atlanta Rhythm Section, and was supposed to be on the soundtrack to Run Ronnie Run!, the ill-fated Mr. Show movie. Sometime in the near future I'm going to have a "champagne jam" of my own, and play this song over and over. Anybody want in? It's gonna be great. We'll just sit around the living room, drinking cheap champagne, listening to the great Southern rock acts, like Skynyrd, .38 Special, Molly Hatchet, and the Allman Brothers. Man, that would be the life. However, it would be much better if we could get our hands on some Champale, instead.

Friday, January 28, 2005

"It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?" - Ronald Reagan

So, remember last week when my Top 5 list was comprised of awesome album covers from the Zonicweb Museum Of Bad Album Covers? Yeah, well, guess what? I like the site so much, I'm doing it all over again with 5 more albums. Lazy. You better believe it. Do I give a rat's ass? Hell no. This is my blog, and I'll do whatever I want, and you'll just have to sit there and like it. Capiche?

5 More Bad Album Covers

  1. Riot - "Fire Down Under"
    When The Rapture comes, and the faithfull are whisked away to Heaven, the heathens shall be left on Earth to suffer, and the dead shall rise from the grave. The Tribulations will begin. The Beast shall rise from the depths of Hell and rain fire and brimstone down onto the heads of the non-believers. And The Beast shall take this form.

  2. Paddy Roberts - "Songs For Gay Dogs"
    The new soundtrack album for Queer Eye For The Canine Guy (baddump-bump ching!). Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

  3. Butch Yelton And Upbound - "Swing That Gospel Axe"
    "Where's the tower, where's the gun? Where's the tower, where's the gun?" These are some Christian soldiers that you most definitely do not want to run into in a dark alley. Sure, they may look all happy-go-lucky and nice, but you just know that they have a cellar under their barn that is chock full of the severed heads of the non-believers and sinners.

  4. Colonel Sanders - "Tijuana Picnic"
    Would I like to go on a Tijuana Picnic with Colonel Sanders? You bet your sweet ass I would! In reality though, I seriously doubt that the good Colonel would ever go to Tijuana for a picnic, unless he was rounding up slaves for one of his plantations in Kentucky.

  5. Mr. Bat - "Mr. Bat Sings"
    This man haunts my dreams.

    Special Bonus 6th Album Cover!
  6. The Beatles - "Yesterday And Today"
    This album cover comfirms something that I have known all along: that The Beatles were a bunch of fucking baby killers.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

It's almost awards show season: let the industry backslapping, ego stroking, and shameless self promotion commence!

Iain Makes His Oscar Picks!

- Don Cheadle, HOTEL RWANDA: Didn't see it.
- Johnny Depp, FINDING NEVERLAND: Didn't see it.
- Leonardo DiCaprio, THE AVIATOR: Didn't see it.
- Clint Eastwood, MILLION DOLLAR BABY: Didn't see it.
- Jamie Foxx, RAY: Didn't see it (no pun intended).

My pick: Well, Eastwood has never won an Oscar for acting (only for Directing and for Best Film - Unforgiven), and he's probably gonna die soon, so he'll get it.

- Annette Bening, BEING JULIA: Meh.
- Catalina Sandino Moreno, MARIA FULL OF GRACE: Who?
- Imelda Staunton, VERA DRAKE: Wha?
- Hilary Swank, MILLION DOLLAR BABY: Heh heh. SWANK.

My pick: Once again, five movies I haven't seen. Oh, I don't know, Kate Winslet? That sounds about right.

- Alan Alda, THE AVIATOR: Hawkeye!
- Thomas Haden Church, SIDEWAYS: He used to be on Wings.
- Jamie Foxx, COLLATERAL: Finally, a movie I actually saw last year.
- Morgan Freeman, MILLION DOLLAR BABY: The poor man's James Earl Jones (kidding, kidding).
- Clive Owen, CLOSER: Why wasn't he nominated for King Arthur? Hardee har har.

My pick: Well, Jamie Foxx had to act next to Tom "Too Much Over Acting Is Never Enough" Cruise, Morgan Freeman could make a Skittles commercial sound epic, and Alan Alda was Hawkeye, so I'm leaning towards... THOMAS HADEN CHURCH (call him my "sleeper" pick of the bunch)!

- Cate Blanchett, THE AVIATOR: The only elf up for an award this year.
- Laura Linney, KINSEY: Loved her in Congo.
- Virginia Madsen, SIDEWAYS: Fantastic in Highlander II: The Quickening
- Sophie Okonedo, HOTEL RWANDA: Uhh, I'm sure she's good too.
- Natalie Portman, CLOSER: I hear that she plays a stripper in the film, but you never actually see her nekkid. Sorry Natalie, no dice.

My pick: Blanchett, I suppose. Man, I'm glad I'm not putting money on any of these.


My pick:Well, Finding Neverland is out, since the idea of a grown man who is really close with several young boys is a bit of a touchy subject these days. Sideways? Fuggeddaboutit. The Aviator is about a real dude, and the Oscars love those movies. Ray is a biopic as well, and has the extra advantage of its subject dying in the same year that the movie was released (Hollywood loves the sympathy vote). As I said before, Eastwood will get his Best Actor, but won't get the nod here. I call it: The Aviator, by a nose. Word.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Fear And Loathing In 2004

The 50 Most Loathsome People of 2004, as chosen by some website. I agree with some of the choices on this list, but for the life of me, I will never understand why Nicole Ritchie (of Simple Life and Lionel Ritchie's daughter fame) made the list, yet Paris Hilton, the living, breathing embodiment of all that is vile and horrible about celebrity culture, did not make the cut. For shame.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Winter Wonderland My Ass

So, the little kiddies have a second day off in a row, but universities are still open (meaning I'm at work today, dammit)? What makes these public school kids so important? I guess people think that the children are our future, and they wouldn't want our future stuck in a 10 foot snow drift or eaten by polar bears, or something. Bah. Humbug.

Friday, January 21, 2005

"It's like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black." - Nigel Tufnel

Top 5 Album Covers From Zonicweb's Museum Of Bad Album Covers

All of these links are taken from this site. It's sites such as this that make me get down on my hands and knees and thank Jesus for inventing the Internet.

  1. Devastatin' Dave (The Turntable Slave) - "Zip Zap Rap"
    Chuck D was right. Hip hop truly is "the Black CNN".

  2. Freddie Gage - "All My Friends Are Dead"
    The feel good hit of the summer!

  3. Mike Crain - "God's Power"
    Now this is a church that I can get into.

  4. Tino - "Por Primera Vez"
    Tino is a sexy little volcano, just waiting to erupt.

  5. Ken - "By Request Only"
    I'm not sure who is requesting this, but can we make sure that they are never able to breed again?

    It was really hard picking just 5 of these covers. Seriously, a random sampling of any 5 of these beautiful creations would be just as funny. Take your time with this site. Savour the flavour.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

A Little Something For The Ladies...

Boy, that Bill Gates used to be one handsome sumbitch!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

What has the Internet done for you lately?

Concrete TV: How come cable access television isn't this good here?
Best Crosswords: Everyone loves crosswords, right? Right?
The Original Hip Hop Lyrics Archive: Finally, you can find out the lyrics to all of your favorite Fat Boys songs.
100 things we didn't know this time last year: Fact-a-riffic!
Mantlepies: More British tomfoolery.

(Last two links blatantly stolen from Boost

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

There's Snow Way I'm Going To Work Today...

How Iain Spent The First Snow Day of 2005

- 7:30 AM: Woke up, looked out my window, smiled a sly smile, then immediately called Dalhousie security to see if the school was open today. They said that the school was definitely closed until 10:00, but to check back later, in case they decided to open. I laughed softly to myself.

- 9:30 AM: I lie down on my sofa and listen to Q104 for storm updates. Morning radio sucks mad balls. Too much annoying, ultra-chirpy, unfunny banter, too much shitty music (Tom Cochrane, Skynnyrd, Bryan Adams, blah). Then I hear it: "universities closed today: St. Mary's, Mt. St. Vincent, Dal,...". Fuckin 'eh, no work for Iain.

- 11:30 AM: After two hours of watching Animal Planet, I make some lunch. A pita, with homemade hummus, roasted chicken breast, and some salad greens. Things are looking up.

- 12:00 PM: Decide to get off my lazy ass and do some shovelling, in case I decide to actually leave the house at sometime during the day. The snow is not too heavy, so it isn't too much work.

- 1:00 PM: Do laundry. I realize that none of this sounds really exciting at all, but I was actually having a great day. Snow days make every activity infinitely more enjoyable.

- 2:00 PM: Pop in my VHS copy of Alien. This movie kicks all sorts of ass. Atmosphere, muthafuckas, do you speak it! I daydream a bit and think to myself, "What would I do in Ripley's place?" I finally came to the conclusion that if I was stuck on a broken down spaceship with an ugly looking, perfect killing machine alien thing with acid for blood, I would probably hide in a corner, quietly weeping in the fetal position. Not the best strategy, I would think.

- 4:00 PM: Turn on the telly, and Scream is showing Aliens. Score. One of the great sequels of all time. Some great lines in this one ("Game over man, game over!").

- 7:00 PM - 10:00 PM: Watch more TV: The Simpsons (Marge gets mugged, and then beefs up with weights and roids and goes nutso), The Thirsty Traveller (he's in Greece, tasting Ouzo), Buffy (Glory thinks Tara is The Key and turns her crazy, Willow shows first signs of going evil), and CSI (some lady drowns, and a frat dude is murdered in a hazing prank gone wrong). Then it was off to bed.

To the layperson, this may all seem quite mundane and boring, but like I have already said, a snow day makes even the most boring activity that much more fun. Such is the magic of the snow day. Hopefully they'll be a few more of these guys before the winter is through (as long as they aren't the power outage, disaster situation type snow days. Those are slightly less fun.).

Friday, January 14, 2005

No Beer And No T.V. Make Iain Go Something Something...

Top 5 Television Shows I Am Enjoying At The Moment

  1. Hey! Spring Of Trivia
    Being the huge trivia buff that I am, I believe that this show was tailor made for me. It is a Japanese show in which a panel of judges are presented with a series of interesting facts and bits of useless trivia, which they then proceed to vote on, to see which bit of trivia is the most interesting. Sounds lame, but nothing could be further from the truth. I wish we had more shows like this over here. Apart from the requisite Japanese weirdness, you will also learn lots of interesting information. Did you know that Mozart once wrote a piece of music called "Lick My Ass"? Fascinating.

  2. The Thirsty Traveller
    So, this chef dude goes around the world, tasting the best beer, wine, and spirits that various regions have to offer. That's his JOB. Kinda makes your own job seem pretty shitty in comparison, no?

  3. Iron Chef
    The bastard child of a cooking show and a professional wrestling event. I hope that the Japanese people realize how lucky they are in terms of their television programming. If it wasn't for Iron Chef, I wouldn't have guessed that you could make so many dishes out of dry abalone and lotus root. The Godzilla of cooking shows. Or maybe the Rhodan of cooking shows. I'm not sure.

  4. Arrested Development
    For all of the "When Animals Attack", "Celebrity Boxing", and horribly demeaning reality shows Fox Broadcasting produces, every once in a while they put out a quality new show, and Arrested Development is that show. This is far and away the funniest sitcom to come out in recent memory, as far as I'm concerned. Plus, it gave Jason Bateman a good break. Here I was thinking that Teen Wolf Too was the pinnacle of his career. Who knew?

  5. Reno 911
    The best cop show on T.V. since McMillan And Wife.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Grab Bag O' Goodies

Prince Harry is a Nazi. When I told people this 5 years ago, they didn't believe me. Now who's the crazy person?

According to some science nerds, male flies sometimes trick female flies into having sex with them by offering them useless gifts. Don't worry though, the nice flies still take their mates out for dinner and a movie first.

I want an army of these little robot sons-a-bitches.

Have a chat with A.L.I.C.E., an online "bot" with artificial intelligence. I use the term "intelligence" loosely here, by the way.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

"I'm gonna let 'em know that Dolemite is my name, and fuckin' up mutha fuckas is my game!"

I finally saw Dolemite for the first time last night. All I can say is: wow. The acting. The dialogue. The "fight scenes". The 70's. The visible boom mics and crew members. This movie has it all. They don't make 'em like this anymore, folks.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Muy Caliente

For lack of anything better to post, here are some recipe sites for two of my favorite kinds of food, salsa and chili. Get your eat on.

Salsa Recipes
Chili Recipes

Monday, January 10, 2005

Science Faction

Geckos have self-cleaning feet. Let's face it: this is probably the most interesting thing that you are going to read all day.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Get Down With The Sickness

The 5 Worst Things That Come With The Flu

  1. The Hacking Cough
    There are not many experiences in life that are quite as shitty as waking up at 2:00 A.M. in the morning, hacking up a lung like you're a 75-year old lifetime smoker with a tracheomoty. Did you ever listen to yourself breath when you were in this condition? You sound like a cross between Darth Vader and Marlon Brando as Don Corleone, without all the cool Force powers or political influence.

  2. Buckley's Mixture
    Alas, with the hacking cough comes the Buckley's. Few cough medicines work as well as this vile tasting herbal mixture, but on the other hand, very few come close to having the nausea-inducing, mad scientist created, Seventh Seal Of Hell taste as good 'ol Buckley's. This is cough medicine as envisioned by a crazed wizard in a tower somewhere.

  3. The Fever
    Nothing like having a body temperature of over 100 degrees Celsius, just while lying around and doing nothing, eh? And the horrible sweats that come along with the fever... fantastic! The really great thing is when your sweat starts to evaporate and you get the chills. Hot and cold at the same time. It's like standing on a hot plate in the Artic Circle.

  4. The Dehydration
    No matter how much water or O.J. you pour down your gullet, you still feel like you're stuck in the middle of the Sahara. The flu is like a hangover that sticks around for 3 or 4 days. At least with a hangover, you know that you had some fun beforehand anyways.

  5. The Upset Stomach
    Got the flu? Prepare to become "intimately acquainted" with your toilet bowl. This is the cherry on the sundae. As if you didn't feel bad enough already, you get to spend some quality time face down in place, as Bill Cosby once put it, "that was never built for your face." Just lovely.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

One Flu Over The Cuckoo's Nest

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

New Year's Resolutions

Iain's New Year's Resolutions, 2005 Edition

- Watch more Rodney Dangerfield movies.

Uh, I can't think of any other ones, so that's it for now. It's good to have a resolution that is fairly easy to keep.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot, blah blah, blah blah blah BLAH..."