Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Thursday, December 02, 2004

A Final Poem

This is friggin' hilarious (borrowed from Bob Odenkirk's page at Bob And


If I had my life to live over,
I’d dare to make more mistakes,
I’d not be so uptight,
I’d risk more, go out on a limb,
I would take longer walks,
And feed the ducks in the park.
I’d wear thicker socks.
I would eat more ice cream.
More ice cream and a better brand of ice cream.
With a higher fat count.
Gourmet ice creams.
In fact, I’d stick mostly to gelatos.
I would notice every bird
And give it a name
And write that name in a tiny notebook.
But let me return to the issue of ice cream.
I wouldn’t just eat national brands, I would travel the countryside
Eating the regional equivalent of premium ice creams.
And if I were eating ice cream with you, I would steal yours when you looked away
If you never looked away, I would badger you through the entire feast
“Are you going to finish that? Are you done? I’ll finish it if you aren’t.”
Until you gave in.
For, you see,
I have been one of those people
Who eats an entire box of “lite” ice cream with fewer calories,
Who orders three scoops of ice cream, but says, “make one of them sorbet”
Who offers to share the “death by chocolate”dessert
I have bought and eaten an entire box of dietetic ice cream sandwiches
In one sitting. Many times.
What was I thinking? I should have just gotten the regular kind of ice cream sandwiches.
I have even eaten shitty popsicles when Haagen Dazs was available.
I did that twice. Believe me, I remember.
And I have, too often, passed on that second Dove bar.*
But if I had to do it over again,
I would eat even more,
And, I can’t re-state this enough,
A higher fat count.
In fact, forget that stuff I said at the top about walking in the park and feeding ducks,
And the bird-naming dealy,
I wouldn’t waste any time not eating more ice cream.
That’s what I would do. I’m sure of it.
(But I do stand by the “thicker socks” comment.)


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