Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Friday, December 17, 2004

5 Lists A-listing

5 Worst Days Of The 12 Days Of Christmas
  1. 10 Lords A-leaping
    Who in the hell wants 10 assholes jumping around their house? And what kind of lords are these anyways? When most lords are out subjugating the masses and accumulating wealth (you know, basically "lording"), these bums are hiring their asses out to Christmas parties and shit. "Flip Fannegle and The Amazing Leaping Lords", available for Christmas parties, weddings, and bar mitzvahs! These were the guys who were sitting in the back of the class making fart noises and getting D minuses in Lord School.

  2. 8 Maids A-milking
    Is this some kind of a fetish thing? I suppose it all depends on what these supposed maids are milking, I guess. I think I heard about places in Amsterdam that provide this service all year round. I mean, jeez, if you want milk so bad, get off the couch and run down to the corner store, lazy.

  3. 11 Pipers Piping
    This would suck in the mornings. And have you ever heard a set of bagpipes (or any large wind instrument) indoors? The neighbours would be pissed. On the upside, you could all get dressed up in kilts and face paint and walk around town declaring a clan war on local business establishments. That could be fun.

  4. 2 Turtle Doves
    What the hell is a "turtle dove"? This sounds like a botched homework assignment of a young crazed wizard in training. "I'm sorry, Mr. Necronemicus. I tried to create an alligator-eagle hybrid, but the best I could do was this lame turtle-dove thing. Please don't fail me, I need a B+ average for my scholarship." At least with two of these things you could get them to fight each other for sport.

  5. 12 Drummers Drumming
    These guys would go great with the 11 Pipers Piping. Imagine it: your entire living room filled with dirty, Phish-head hippies, sitting around all day smoking pot, eating all of your snacks, and jamming on their various African percussion instruments. Everytime you would ask them to leave, they would say some shit like, "Hey man, chill out. As soon as we make enough money selling these homemade hemp bracelets, we're totally getting our own place. It's gonna have two smoke rooms, a jam space, and a hydroponics room. It's gonna be so rad!"

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