Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Yes, that is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am happy to see you...

Well, it's almost that time. I'm heading home to Sydney tomorrow, and I'm not sure how many updates there's gonna be to the old blog here until 2005, so I'll just leave you all with this lovely holiday message:

Drunk Santa says: "Leave your front door unlocked this year, because I ain't goin down no chimneys, no way, no how. And instead of the usual milk and cookies crap, why not leave me something half decent, like a bottle of Jack and some chicken wings or something? Be good to each other and don't talk no mess, or you ain't gettin' shit for Christmas. I'm out this bitch. Word."

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Is That A Candy Cane In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Fall On Your Knees

Monday, December 20, 2004

Science & The Holiday Party Season

Here are some magazine's Top Ten Scientific Discoveries of 2004, or something.

And on a completely unrelated note, it looks like my holiday party schedule is going to die down this week (well, until I get home to Sydney, at any rate). Thank Jeebus. Is it a good thing or a bad thing when your social life becomes more exhausting and draining than your job? My liver is crying out for its mommy. It is cold, and lonely, and there are wolves after it. Little liver-eating wolves, that live somewhere in my stomach or gastro-intestinal tract, I presume. I better tell my doctor about those things; it can't be good for me.

Friday, December 17, 2004

5 Lists A-listing

5 Worst Days Of The 12 Days Of Christmas
  1. 10 Lords A-leaping
    Who in the hell wants 10 assholes jumping around their house? And what kind of lords are these anyways? When most lords are out subjugating the masses and accumulating wealth (you know, basically "lording"), these bums are hiring their asses out to Christmas parties and shit. "Flip Fannegle and The Amazing Leaping Lords", available for Christmas parties, weddings, and bar mitzvahs! These were the guys who were sitting in the back of the class making fart noises and getting D minuses in Lord School.

  2. 8 Maids A-milking
    Is this some kind of a fetish thing? I suppose it all depends on what these supposed maids are milking, I guess. I think I heard about places in Amsterdam that provide this service all year round. I mean, jeez, if you want milk so bad, get off the couch and run down to the corner store, lazy.

  3. 11 Pipers Piping
    This would suck in the mornings. And have you ever heard a set of bagpipes (or any large wind instrument) indoors? The neighbours would be pissed. On the upside, you could all get dressed up in kilts and face paint and walk around town declaring a clan war on local business establishments. That could be fun.

  4. 2 Turtle Doves
    What the hell is a "turtle dove"? This sounds like a botched homework assignment of a young crazed wizard in training. "I'm sorry, Mr. Necronemicus. I tried to create an alligator-eagle hybrid, but the best I could do was this lame turtle-dove thing. Please don't fail me, I need a B+ average for my scholarship." At least with two of these things you could get them to fight each other for sport.

  5. 12 Drummers Drumming
    These guys would go great with the 11 Pipers Piping. Imagine it: your entire living room filled with dirty, Phish-head hippies, sitting around all day smoking pot, eating all of your snacks, and jamming on their various African percussion instruments. Everytime you would ask them to leave, they would say some shit like, "Hey man, chill out. As soon as we make enough money selling these homemade hemp bracelets, we're totally getting our own place. It's gonna have two smoke rooms, a jam space, and a hydroponics room. It's gonna be so rad!"

Sunday's Charity Show (Revised Line Up)

For those of in the Halifax area:

Sunday, December 19, 8:00 PM start.

The Wooden Monkey
1685 Argyle St.

Andrea Curry, Ryan MacGrath, Duncan MacMillan (Andrea is a friend of mine and an ex-roomate, not to mention talented musician and all around good person to boot)

A show for charity. Donations will be made to the IWK Children's Wish Foundation. Suggested donation is $4. Donation optional (but donate anyway, you Stiffly McStifferson)

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Winning The Internet: One Site At A Time

Dahv. The future of music. May God have mercy on our souls.

Patton Oswalt. Funny comedians are funny.

The Black Table. These dudes update daily, so there's got to be some half decent articles on there somewhere, right?

Alternative Tentacles. A record label. Check out the MP3 section for a ton of free musical songs and things. They've got everybody from Noam Chomsky, The Evaporators (Nardwuar's band), and Half Japanese. These folks are so indie that they spend most of there time runnning around beating up Nazis, recovering lost antiquities, and being afraid of snakes.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Iain Goes Through His "Emo" Faze

Mood: Melancholy
Music: "Tears Turn To Stars" by Ashes Fall From Burning Airplanes

I feel that my current life situation is best summed up in this verse. Enjoy my pain.
On the way home,
This car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.
This weather.
The wind outside is biting.
It has left me feeling tired & exposed.
You've been asking me to bleed.
It seems these kinds of questions
They come too easy to you now.
Your lack of shame comes naturally.
I should not be suprised.
I should have seen it sooner.

- from "The Sharp Hint Of New Tears" by Dashboard Confessional

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

You Got Egg Nog On My Turducken

Webtender Holiday Guide. Holiday drink recipes and shiat. How else are you going to work up the courage to finally tell Grandma that she is a raging harpy?
A Turducken recipe. The Holy Grail of holiday poultry dishes.
Weird Food. For the foodie in the family, why not mail order him or her some nice squirrel brains or fermented shark. Mmm, mmm, good.

Monday, December 13, 2004

"Where Ideas Get To Hang Out, And Do Whatever."

Friday, December 10, 2004

She Weee-illl, Be Lu-uh-uh-ved...

Sorry folks, but for only the second time in my blog's short history, I cannot think of a Friday list. Stop crying, it'll be fine. In fact, it will be better than fine, because today I have something even better than a list...

Yup, this awesome picture of the lead singer from my favorite band, Maroon 5. Enjoy.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Tis The Season (To Be All Charitable An' Shit)

For those of in the Halifax area:

Sunday, December 19, 8:00 PM start.

The Wooden Monkey
1685 Argyle St.

Andrea Curry and The Sound Sessions (a friend of mine and an ex-roomate, not to mention talented musician and all around good person to boot)

A show for charity. Donations will be made to the IWK Children's Wish Foundation. Suggested donation is $4.

Iain's Holiday CD Buying Guide, Part Deux

Mclusky - "The Difference Between Me And You Is That I'm Not On Fire"
Grade: B+
The Skinny: Probably my favorite Welsh band (well, the only Welsh band I know, but still). This album is loud and aggressive, but at the same time quirky and witty. At times it can seem ragged and messy, but rest assured, this is most definitely a calculated mess. These be some talented muthafuckas, fo' sho'. One thing for sure is that Mclusky have definitely entered the "Which Band Has The Strangest Song Titles?" competition: ""Without MSG I Am Nothing", "Your Children Are Waiting For You To Die", "Falco Vs. The Young Canoeist".

Ian Brown - "Solarized"
Grade: B-
The Skinny: The latest effort by the ex-Stone Roses frontman is a mish-mash of many musical styles, from Middle Eastern sounds to dance to good ole early 90's Brit Rock (remember that? Ah, those were the days...). With so many musical styles all vying for attention, this album could have ended up an incongruous mess, but somehow Brown holds it all together. If you were bummed out back then during the second British Invasion, when bands such as Blur, Oasis, and the Manic Street Preachers were all over your TV sets and radios, then you probably shouldn't buy this. Coincidently, one half of the Brothers Gallagher (Noel) appears on one of the tracks, the single "Keep What Ya Got". Those wacky Brit rockers are all growds up, but they aren't ready to throw in the towel quite yet. Now all we need is a half decent Oasis album.

The Roots - "Do You Want More?!!!??!"
Grade: B
The Skinny: A little slice of mid-90's hip hop for that ass. Beat boxing, live musicians, jazz-like improvisation - the Roots were at the forefront for a new style of rap music. Making a hip hop album without using any samples or previously recorded material was simply unheard of at the time. The Roots are probably never going to be a huge commercial success, but there are few hip hop acts out there that could match The Roots' inventiveness, or their willingness to buck mainstream hip hop trends in favour of their own style.

Hot Snakes - "Audit In Progress"
Grade: A
The Skinny: The Swami has done it again. The latest Hot Snakes album plays much like their first two records: relentless, cynical, brash, balls-to-the-wall jet-fueled rock and roll. You always know that you are getting when you buy a Hot Snakes record, and what you're getting is a band who blow away about 97% of today's bands that are labeled "hard rock". They don't come any harder than this folks. Oh, and your mom hates these guys too (if she doesn't, then you have one cool mom. Send me her number and a glossy 8x10 photo...).

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Iain's Holiday CD Buying Guide

Since I have absolutely nothing better to say, here is a quick report card of some CD's I have purchased in the last few months, just in case you have a music loving friend and you're not sure what to get them for Non-Denominational Winter Time Gift Giving Holiday. Some oldies, some newies, all goodies.

Rocket From The Crypt - "Scream, Dracula, Scream!"
Grade: B+
The Skinny: Crazy ass party rock with a horn section (don't worry though, this ain't no ska nonsense). Perfect for the rock and roll fan in your life. Your mom would hate these guys, therefore it is good rock and roll. Simple formula.

Warren Zevon - "A Quiet Normal Life: The Best Of Warren Zevon"
Grade: B
The Skinny: A decent overview of Zevon's early work. Most of the hits are here, including "Lawyers, Guns, and Money" and "Werewolves of London". Also included is the great "Play It All Night Long". Zevon was one of those songwriters who could really tell a story through his lyrics, and he was one cynical bastard to boot.

The Damned - "Machine Gun Etiquette (25th Anniversary Edition)"
Grade: A-
The Skinny: The Damned, although overshadowed in their time by bands like the Sex Pistols and The Clash, were certainly no slouches, and were one of the better bands around in the early days of punk. There was definitely a sense of fun and "taking the piss" with The Damned that was mostly absent in the Pistols and The Clash. This reissue has some great bonuses as well: B-sides, alternate versions of the three singles from the album, and a video. This disc is definitely the dog's bollocks.

Blondie - "The Best Of Blondie"
Grade: A
The Skinny: This one is for all of my friends who think that I don't listen to pop music. The first Blondie "Best Of" compilation, it is still one of the best. New Wave/Punk/Disco fusion, whatever the hell you want to call it, their is no doubt that Blondie was one of the best groups of their era. Buy this for somebody that you care about. On second thought, screw that, and buy it for yourself.

Part 2 of the CD buying guide tomorrow...

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Are You Drinkin With Me Jesus?

Country Song Titles. All of your favorites are here, including: "Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears", "Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goal Posts Of Life.)", and "I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy". Yee-haw, and whatnot.

Fakebands. A comprehensive listing of fictional musicians and bands. And you thought that the Internet was just a giant repository for pornography and illegal music. Silly.

Monday, December 06, 2004

"It puts the Tony Award in the basket, or else it gets the hose again."

Silence Of The Lambs: The Musical. This is probably the creepiest musical ever. Well, this and Cats.

Jesus, Mary, and Glavin!!!

Somebody get Mulder on the phone...

Law & Order: Artificial Intelligence Unit?

Playing a video game using only the power of your mind. However, scientists still have not discovered how they can get you to leave your mother's basement.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Is That A Candy Cane In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Well, it's December, which means that the holiday season is just around the bend. Time to get all festive up in this beeatch!

The Top 5 Things I Look Forward To Each Christmas

  1. Quality Street Chocolates
    I don't think that I could visualize Christmas at the Gillis household without everybody's favorite octogonal-shaped tin of chocolatey goodness. You have to be quick though, because before you know it, the only chocolates left are those shitty orange ones. I think my mom is the only person in the world who likes those. She's such a trooper.

  2. A Charlie Brown Christmas
    The definitive holiday special, bar none. In a day and age where people like Jessica Simpson get their own holiday specials, it's nice to know that this old gem will find its way onto your T.V. at least once during the holidays.

  3. Scrooged
    This may be my second favorite holiday film. Hey, anything with Bill "Ghostbustin' ass" Murray is alright with me.

  4. The World Junior Hockey Championships
    Another staple of the Gillis household over the Christmas season. It has taken about a year to get rid of the horrible memories of the U.S. winning last year, so beating them on their home ice this year will be all the more sweet.

  5. Christmas Parties
    Ah, there's nothing like the holidays to drive people to drink. Most people's workplaces have a Christmas party, and it's fun to try to fanegle your way into as many of them as you possibly can. If there is ever a time to tell of your boss, throw up in the copy machine, and dance half-naked on a table in front of 50 co-workers, this is the time.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

A Final Poem

This is friggin' hilarious (borrowed from Bob Odenkirk's page at Bob And


If I had my life to live over,
I’d dare to make more mistakes,
I’d not be so uptight,
I’d risk more, go out on a limb,
I would take longer walks,
And feed the ducks in the park.
I’d wear thicker socks.
I would eat more ice cream.
More ice cream and a better brand of ice cream.
With a higher fat count.
Gourmet ice creams.
In fact, I’d stick mostly to gelatos.
I would notice every bird
And give it a name
And write that name in a tiny notebook.
But let me return to the issue of ice cream.
I wouldn’t just eat national brands, I would travel the countryside
Eating the regional equivalent of premium ice creams.
And if I were eating ice cream with you, I would steal yours when you looked away
If you never looked away, I would badger you through the entire feast
“Are you going to finish that? Are you done? I’ll finish it if you aren’t.”
Until you gave in.
For, you see,
I have been one of those people
Who eats an entire box of “lite” ice cream with fewer calories,
Who orders three scoops of ice cream, but says, “make one of them sorbet”
Who offers to share the “death by chocolate”dessert
I have bought and eaten an entire box of dietetic ice cream sandwiches
In one sitting. Many times.
What was I thinking? I should have just gotten the regular kind of ice cream sandwiches.
I have even eaten shitty popsicles when Haagen Dazs was available.
I did that twice. Believe me, I remember.
And I have, too often, passed on that second Dove bar.*
But if I had to do it over again,
I would eat even more,
And, I can’t re-state this enough,
A higher fat count.
In fact, forget that stuff I said at the top about walking in the park and feeding ducks,
And the bird-naming dealy,
I wouldn’t waste any time not eating more ice cream.
That’s what I would do. I’m sure of it.
(But I do stand by the “thicker socks” comment.)

Fun Things Are Fun

Some cool games for that ass:


Two of the most addicting and infuriating games in the known universe:

Pearls Before Swine
Pearls Before Swine 2

If you wanna play these, you're gonna have to get your Flash and Shockwave on. For reals.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Everything I've Learned, I've Learned From Television

At the top of Iain's Christmas Wish List:

TV Carnage