Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Friday, October 22, 2004

Little boys love candy...

A seasonal list for that ass...

Bottom 5 Halloween Treats

  1. Candy Corn
    These are those little cone-shaped candies that are all stripey and brown and yellow and shit. I'm not sure if the colour combination of brown and yellow can have a taste, but if it did, it would taste like this. Unfortunately, it tastes like ass.

  2. Those Halloween Caramel Things
    You know, those teeth-shattering caramels that come wrapped in that oh so festive orange paper that has bats and stuff on it. I'm not a huge fan of caramels anyways (any food that has the potential to rip the teeth right out of your mouth after just one bite is no good in my book), and these babies are the bottom wrung of the caramel ladder.

  3. Anything Homemade
    I'm not sure if the stories of people putting razor blades and the like in candy are based on fact, or are just urban legends, but better safe than sorry. Anything homemade that I ever got was trashed as soon as I got home. "I'm sure that your fudge is delicious, Mrs. Glick, but I rather not take the chance of biting into a syringe or something, you crazy old lady." Ditch the candy apples and rice crispie squares, and haul out the mini chocolate bars and bags of Doritos.

  4. Fruit
    Gimme a break. Why not go the extra mile and give me a bowl of oat bran and a celery stick while you're at it, Mr./Ms. Heath Food Nut? This is why people get firecrackers tossed into their mailboxes.

  5. Anything That Is Not Food Related
    I remember on several occassions getting a bag of loose change (usually a couple nickels and pennies). That was fantastic. So, you're too lazy to actually go out and buy some candy, so you'll just give me 15 cents and have me march my sorry ass to the corner store to buy it myself? Up yours pal! I hope you like washing egg yolk off of your aluminum siding. Oh, and giving kids miniature tooth paste and floss- that joke got old back in 1965. Fork over the candy, smartypants.


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