Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Friday, October 29, 2004

"You wanna see something really scary?" - Dan Akroyd, "The Twilight Zone: The Movie"

Top 5 Scary Ass Muthaf@$&ers!

Norman Bates
Norman loves his mother. A lot. Like, a whole lot. For reals. If you haven't seen Pyscho yet, please check to make sure that your brain is working. Thank you.

Hannibal Lecter
The good doctor enjoys the finer things in life: good food, good music, your liver, with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Isn't that always the way with geniuses? They may seem like nice people at first, but really all they want to do is feast on your vital organs.

Michael Myers
Halloween was one of the first horror movies I ever saw, and probably the first to really scare the bejesus out of me. Fun fact: the mask he wears was an old William Shatner mask painted white with the eyeholes widened. Believe me, you have not experienced true fear until you have heard Shatner singing "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds". Shudder.

Jack Nicholson
Listen, old Jack is scary to begin with. Give this guy an axe and a dead guy telling him to do shit, and you've got the makings of one unhappy camper.

Linda Blair
That ain't right.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Somebody Won The Baseball!

Boston Wins World Series

The Bambino says: "It's about time, you knuckleheads."

Bill Buckner says: "Thank you Jeebus."

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Funny Things Are Funny

Bill Hicks is funny.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

The Horror! The Horror!

Like most of you, I too was shocked and appalled to learn that Ashlee Simpson, younger sister of songstress and Mensa candidate Jessica Simpson, attempted to sing over a pre-recorded vocal track for her performance this weekend on Saturday Night Live. My world came crashing down around me. I refused to believe that a pop star today would have the nerve to deceive their loving fans by lip-synching? Have we learned nothing from Milli Vanilli? What is the world coming too? Say it ain't so Ashlee, say it ain't so.

If you missed it, here it is. I just have one piece of advice for Ms. Simpson: the next time that your backing vocal track cuts out or skips or whatever, instead of doing a little pirate jig then walking of stage in a huff, try singing a little bit. I know that it's a crazy notion, stuck out there alone, in front of all those people, singing by yourself, without the comforting professional gloss of a Pro Tooled studio vocal track, but trust me on this one. People have been doing this singing thing for years. Shit, even Rob and Fab tried to fake it when their song started to skip. Kids today. No work ethic.

Monday, October 25, 2004

They'll Take Your Money

How often can one say that they have met a legend? Not too often. Well, on Friday, October 22, 2004, I had the good fortune to meet two. The place: the Grawood Lounge. The mood: half über-nostalgic, half carnival freakshow. The legends: none other than Canadian TV legends Pat Mastroianni (A.K.A. "Joey") and Stefan Brogren (A.K.A. "Snake"). That's right. Two-thirds of the world famous Zit Remedy. Cast members on the hit Canadian teen drama/acid wash jeans showcase, Degrassi Jr. High (later just Degrassi High). Yes, these two Torontonian vagabonds were here in Halifax to bask in their well-deserved glory, to answer various questions and queries from the adoring throngs of their fans, and to hear their innermost desires, hopes, and dreams. They did just that. I would describe to you, my faithfull reader, the sights and sounds of the evening, but alas, I am no Shakespeare. My words will not be able to bring forth the feeling of joy and contentment that these two princes of the world of theatre brought to the room that magical night. To see Mr. Mastroianni field my question about his role in the 1998 smash-hit movie Godzilla was to see a true master in action. Despite the fact that he was eventually cut from the final release from the film (a grave oversight on the part of the producers), he recounted his portrayal of the ill-fated "Apache Pilot #3" in harrowing detail. When pressed about the relationship of famous director Kevin Smith to the show, he smiled at me and addressed me with the warmth and compassion of an old friend. I was not unmoved. Suffice it to say, I left the Grawood that night awash in a sea of wonder and rapture, all thanks to those two marvelous thespians and raconteurs. Truely they are national treasures. Godspeed gentlemen, and godbless.

Friday, October 22, 2004

Little boys love candy...

A seasonal list for that ass...

Bottom 5 Halloween Treats

  1. Candy Corn
    These are those little cone-shaped candies that are all stripey and brown and yellow and shit. I'm not sure if the colour combination of brown and yellow can have a taste, but if it did, it would taste like this. Unfortunately, it tastes like ass.

  2. Those Halloween Caramel Things
    You know, those teeth-shattering caramels that come wrapped in that oh so festive orange paper that has bats and stuff on it. I'm not a huge fan of caramels anyways (any food that has the potential to rip the teeth right out of your mouth after just one bite is no good in my book), and these babies are the bottom wrung of the caramel ladder.

  3. Anything Homemade
    I'm not sure if the stories of people putting razor blades and the like in candy are based on fact, or are just urban legends, but better safe than sorry. Anything homemade that I ever got was trashed as soon as I got home. "I'm sure that your fudge is delicious, Mrs. Glick, but I rather not take the chance of biting into a syringe or something, you crazy old lady." Ditch the candy apples and rice crispie squares, and haul out the mini chocolate bars and bags of Doritos.

  4. Fruit
    Gimme a break. Why not go the extra mile and give me a bowl of oat bran and a celery stick while you're at it, Mr./Ms. Heath Food Nut? This is why people get firecrackers tossed into their mailboxes.

  5. Anything That Is Not Food Related
    I remember on several occassions getting a bag of loose change (usually a couple nickels and pennies). That was fantastic. So, you're too lazy to actually go out and buy some candy, so you'll just give me 15 cents and have me march my sorry ass to the corner store to buy it myself? Up yours pal! I hope you like washing egg yolk off of your aluminum siding. Oh, and giving kids miniature tooth paste and floss- that joke got old back in 1965. Fork over the candy, smartypants.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Thou shall not shop nor solicit for treats on The Sabbath

At least not in the Cape Breton Regional Municipality. Everybody knows that Jesus hates it when little children dress up in fun costumes and get candy. This is where I grew up. I'm so proud.

"You've got to know when to hold 'em..."

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Get Up On The Good Foot

James Brown is coming. Repent and ye shall be saved.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Black Sabbath

Kihn-fever! Catch it!

There isn't a music video alive that cannot be improved by the addition of zombies. This was proven by a video I saw this weekend on Much More Retro. It was "Jeopardy", an early 80's smash hit from Greg Kihn, off of his album Kihnspiracy. The video starts out at a wedding, and seemed rather boring and dull. It's basically a video about a guy and a girl having wedding day jitters. However, the cool part about the video is how these wedding jitters manifest themselves. Essentially, everybody in the church, except for the bride and groom, turn into zombies! Metaphors abound! The ironing is delicous! A music video is saved, and legends are born. Now I have to go out and buy his other albums, Rockihnroll, Kihntinued, Kihntageous, and Citizen Kihn. Pun-tacular!

Friday, October 15, 2004

You, Me, And The Bottle Makes Three

Top 5 People I Would Go On A Drinking Binge With

Hunter S. Thompson
First off, he's a complete lunatic. That's always a good start. Second, he owns a ranch, so that means that you would have lots of area to explore in your drunken stupor. Third, did you see Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas? Now that is what I call a world class jag.

Christopher Walken
Look at that face. If anything, any meatheads at the bar who were trying to start some shit with you would take one look at Chris and shit their pants. Plus he's a good dancer.

Keith Richards
This dude is to binges as Edison was to inventing. A true pro. You just know that he's going to be the last human on Earth. He's indestructable. No matter how crazy the binge would get, Keith would be calm, cool, and collected, because he has seen and done it all. He talks funny too.

Dave Attell
It's always good to have a guy around who can provide some laughs. The kicker is that he has his own TV show, where he basically goes to exotic (and not so exotic) places and drinks and parties with the locals. He truly is living the dream.

Nick Nolte
Now this guy looks like he knows how to party...

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Clash Of The Titans: Eminem VS. MJ

So it looks like The King Of Pop/Publicity wants to lay the smack down on The King Of Hip Hop/Grade 7 Insults. The sticky wicket is Eminem's portrayal of Michael in his new video, "Just Lose It". While the video does mock other pop culture icons as well, the focus (of the video, anyway) is defintely Michael (his face, his legal troubles, even the infamous "Hair On Fire" incident back in 1984). I've seen the video, and it is basically a satirical boot in the nether-region to Michael, but I don't really see why Michael is trying to get this banned. I mean, Eminem's video is not saying anything that every comedian and late-night talk show host has been saying for, well, I don't know, 15 years or so, give or take. You would think that by now this sort of thing would slide right off Michael's back. The only thing MJ's public outrage over the video is going to accomplish is to further cement Eminem's reputation as "The Most Controversial White Boy In America". I mean, come on now, is this video going to change anybody's opinion on Michael Jackson? Are there any music fans out there who are going to say to themselves, "You know, I have a lot of respect for Michael and think he gets a raw deal in the press, but since Eminem apparently thinks he's a child molesting wacko, I'm starting to see things differently?" Everybody knows that it was only a matter of time before Debbie Mathers' little boy ran out of celebrities to trash and got around to Michael. This is Eminem's bread and butter. If Michael would have shut his mouth and not said anything about the video, the whole thing would eventually be nothing more than a tiny footnote in pop music history. If anything, more people are going to watch the video now, just to see what all of the fuss is about. Ah well, just another chapter in the lives of two pop stars who will ultimately be remembered more for their personal eccentricities and tabloid headlines, rather than their music. Besides, everybody knows that feuds involving Eminem and/or Michael Jackson are old and busted. The new hotness is the feud between Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff. Now this is a Celebrity Boxing match that is just begging to be made...

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Fun With The Yahoo Search Engine

While checking my Statcounter logs, I came across this little gem. It seems that somebody from Singapore (I seem to have a lot of visitors from Singapore) used Yahoo's search engine and came across my little corner of the Interweb. This was their search criteria: "lizzie mcguire navel images". How disappointed he/she must have been. Awesome. So, to all future visitors of this site: I do not have any pictures of Hilary Duff's navel, nor do I plan on posting any pictures of said actress' navel in the future. However, if the demand is high enough, I can post a picture of Dom DeLuise's asscrack. Don't ask me where I got this from. It's a long story.

You betta check yo' self, before you wreck yo' self.

Sasquatch drinks Kokanee: That sounds about right.
Band Name Generator: Starting a band? Like random things? Check this out.
The Art Of T-Shirt Folding: This here is some straight up ninja shit.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Thanksgiving, muthafuckas, do you speak it!?

I am so fucking tired right now. Seriously.

Friday: Luckily for me, Pa was at a conference in New Glasgow till Friday morning, so he was gracious enough to drive into Halifax to pick up his darling son. Before we left the big city we stopped at the Mic Mac Beverage Room in Dartmouth. I opted for the chicken and rib combo with mashed potatoes, and ended up having 4 beer. This defintely set the tone for the weekend. Friday night was Gobblefest and The Windom Earle All-Stars. I didn't catch most of the bands, since I was too busy schmoozing and boozing at the back of the bar. Then the All-Stars got up. Shit was goin' off. They had at least 10 people on stage, and all of them were complete lunatics. Add to this that the Maple Leaf is about the size of a large walk-in closet, and some of the nuttiest Sydneyites this side of Australia, and you have the makings of a wild ass show. I scored a free CD, so that was a bonus as well. This was followed, of course, to the requesite visit to Smooth Herman's, the diviest dive that ever there was. More drinking was had at this fine establishment (note to the barstaff at Herman's: a monkey can mix a proper Gin & Pineapple. You guys aren't dumber than a monkey, are you?). Soon later was bedtime. Approximately 5:00 AM. It begins.

Saturday: Saturday began harmlessly enough, with a Cape Breton Screaming Eagles hockey game. It was a good game (1-1 tie). However, I do take umbrage with the team's choice of name. I'm no animal zoolocologist, but I'm pretty sure that eagles can't scream. After the game I headed out with my twin and his pallies for some downtown Sydney party action. First we went to a friend's house, where food and beverages were consumed. Barbequeued salmon and pork ribs. Thank god I'm not a vegetarian. One of Brendan's buddies almost blew his hand off lighting a firework that went wrong. My ears were buzzing for a good 2 minutes. Welcome to Cape Breton. Then we headed to beautiful downtown Sydney. Pretty much every bar was packed, so we had to opt for one of Sydney's newer bars, The Rum Jungle. This place sucks so much ass. For residents of Sydney, think low-class Capri. For residents of Halifax, think low-rent Palace. For residents of elsewhere, think low-rent shittiest bar in town. That being said, the drinks were cheap (and plentiful). Any port in a storm. This was an early night, as I got to bed at the reasonable hour of 2:30 AM.

Sunday: Sunday night was looking to be tons o'fun. Myself, my brother, his friend Aaron, and the parentals were all going to go to the Celtic Colours Festival Club in St. Ann's. For those that don't know, Celtic Colours is a huge festival of Celtic music and culture that takes place all over Cape Breton. The Festival Club takes place every night, from 11:00 PM - 3:00 AM, at the Gaelic College in St. Ann's. It's basically an after hours party where the various festival performers can come and have sort of a loose jam. Think really big house party. With a really well-stocked bar. Before heading out there, Brendan, Aaron, and I went out to Aaron's cabin out in Kempt Head for some pre-Festival Club festivities. The parental units picked us up on the way, and we were off. Awesome music abounded, as did the booze. Saw some old friends (hi Beth-Ann!), drank my face off, sat by the fire... just like my homeboy Jay-Z said, it's a hard-knock life. Sleep came at roughly 6:00 AM.

Monday: Bus. Back in Halifax. Too tired for rational thought. Sleepytime at 11:30 PM. Goodnight.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Thursday Is The New Friday

Since tomorrow will be spent driving home with Pa for the Thanksgiving and whatnot, I figure I'll get my weekly list out of the way early. And I'm out this bitch till Tuesday.

Top 5 Things I Am Thankful For

  1. My Job
    It's hard to imagine that this time last year I was in the midst of training at Teletech, one of this fine city's many call centers. It was the last stop on my quest to break the Guiness record for "Most Call Centers Worked At In One Year". I refer to those 8 months of my life after graduation as the The Dark Age. Fuck call centers.

  2. My New Apartment
    I've been living on my own for over a month now, and I must confess: I am loving this shit. Don't get me wrong, I've had fairly decent luck when it comes to roomates and all, but after 7 years of roomates I can safely say that I won't be doing the roomate-thang in the forseeable future. Now I finally have the privacy to really make some progress in that manifesto I've been writing...

  3. Turkeys
    Here's to those brave birds, who valiantly give up their lives so that I can eat well once or twice a year. An honourable mention also goes to the heroic cranberries, who also lay down their lives so that I can have an appropriate side dish. And to all of my vegetarian friends out there who will be dining on tofurkey or some other such soy-based product masquerading as food, I'll be thinking of you when I'm asleep on my parents couch, full of turkey, mashed pototoes, gravy, and wine (hopefully). Pardon me while I wipe up this puddle of drool on my keyboard.

  4. Gobblefest
    A Thanksgiving tradition in ol' Cape Breton. Old friends, good bands, drunken mischief, The Windom Earle All-Stars, what more can you ask for?

  5. You
    Ah, I can't forget my faithful blog readers. It was a toss up deciding what the last list entry would be this week. It was either my blog readers, or the new Guacamole flavoured Doritos. Man, those Doritos are some good though, ain't they? Boy howdy, I sure could go for some of them right about now. So tangy and spicy, mmm mmm mmm. Um, excuse me a moment...

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Insane In The Mundane

The 100 Most Requested Drinks at After reading this list, I've decided that the people who come up with names for mixed drinks have very little creativity. There are too many drinks like "Sex On The Beach", "Hot Sexy Sex On A Government Wharf", "Sexy Orgasm In An Airplane Bathroom, 10,000 Ft. Above The Caspian Sea". I'd like to see more interesting names, like "Ernest Hemmingway's Last Wish", or "Sunset Over The Jersey Shore", or "The Triple-Shot Bacardi 151 Brain Vaporizor".

Anti-Matter Weapons: One more babystep in humanity's never ending quest to blow the living fuck out of our little planet. What a time to be alive.

The Klingon Translation of Hamlet: It's okay to be afraid...

Gobblefest 11: My plans for the Thanksgiving weekend. Home sweet home.

The Turkey Calculator: Borrowed from Boost Ventilator. A handy tool for those of you who don't have Mommy making the turkey for you this Thanksgiving.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Sad songs are the keys that get our tears out of eye jail...

Pretty average, relaxed weekend. Tom's Friday and Sunday nights. Saturday was the digital cable watching marathon. Iron Chef is a cool ass show. Sunday morning was televised football. My Yahoo fantasy football team huffed mad dong this week. Brett Favre better shape up next week, that's all I can say. I don't care how bad your concussion was, Bretty-boy, I needs them points!

Friday, October 01, 2004

My head don't work no' mo'...

Grawood again last night. Yeah yeah, I know, shut up. It was "Beach Party Night". The "Beach Party" consisted of a few inflatable palm trees, some Hawaiian leis, and, well, that was it. I didn't really get the feeling I was at the beach. I demand my two dollars back. This band from London (Ontario) played, Popjoy. Basically a glorified cover band, with better mohawks than your average cover band. Of course, in my drunken state, I bought their CD. Always the patron of the arts. It will probably look really cool when I put it in the microwave on high for 10 seconds. I also made a late-night trek to Video Difference, and bought some movies (VHS style baby. Old school.). So, in that vain, here are the...

Top 5 Movies I Bought While Intoxicated Last Night

  1. Halloween - Still one of my favorite horror movies. The scene where Michael Myers pins the dude against the wall with the knife and just stares at him still creeps the bejesus outta me. Good shit.

  2. Alien - In space, no one can hear you scream, motherfucker. Still kick ass, even after 25 years. I can't believe that this movie is as old as I am.

  3. Ghost World - Buscemi does it again.

  4. Tom Green: Tonsil Hockey - The Canadian edition of the Tom Green Show was a beautiful thing. Absurdist, infantile humour at its best. Recognize, bitches!

  5. I only bought 4 movies, so here's a link to a news story about some school kids who were given margaritas. Ole!