Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Friday, September 17, 2004

My Fortress Of Solitude

Top 5 Perks Of Living Alone


  1. Cleanliness.
    Living by yourself simply does wonders for the overall cleanliness of your house/apartment/old refridgerator box. There is just not enough people around to make a huge mess. This could backfire, of course, if one begins to take on the mindset, "Hey, since I'm all by myself, who cares how messy the place gets. Who's gonna complain?" I've been to some bachelor apartments that looked like a localized hurricane blew through and the occupant was still waiting for the disaster relief money to come in.

  2. You have no one to blame but yourself.
    With roomates, you're always chasing them down for bill money, bitching at them for not cleaning, or some such nonsense. If the dishes aren't getting done, or the phone bill is 3 months past due, you know exactly who to complain to. Mind you, if you start arguing to yourself about why you didn't scrub the toilet out last night, like you asked yourself to, then you've got some much more serious issues to deal with.

  3. No more disappearing food.
    It is a scientifically proven fact that roomates will "borrow" your food when you want it the most. It will be a scorching hot summer day, you've just come in from a 5-mile run (or a 2 minute walk to the liqour store, depending on your fitness level), and the only thing you want in the world is a cool, refreshing glass of orange juice. Your orange juice container is in the fridge, right where you left it, but when you begin to pour yourself a glass, three drops fall out. This is when the blinding rage begins. You ask your roomates, calmly, if any of them drank the last of your juice. They look at you like you're speaking in ancient Sanskrit, then promptly leave the room. Assholes. This is when you put a generous portion of Metamucil into their OJ, and then proceed to hide every roll of toilet paper in the house. That'll teach em.

  4. "Whaddya mean I can't listen to Iron Maiden at 2:00 AM?"
    One of the joys of living alone is having the freedom to do pretty much anything you want, at any time of day, within the rules set down by your apartment complex/cell block. Wanna practice yodeling at 4 in the morning? Yodle away my friend. Like to fall asleep to extremely loud drum and bass music? Shine on, you crazy diamond. Wanna hang out in your living room all day in your bathrobe, watching cartoons and eating Fruit Loops straight out of the box? Give 'er. Umm, I've never done that last one, by the way...

  5. Privacy.
    Look, if you're going to stumble home drunk, attempt to make a hero sandwich (spilling half of it on the kitchen floor), take off all of your clothes and pass out on the bathroom floor, it's best to do so in a place that is away from the prying eyes of roomates. Not that I know this from experience, or anything. This happened to a friend of mine, umm, yeah, that's it. Guy Incognito, I think his name was...



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