Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Hmm, let's see now, I'm pretty sure Bill already has a zeppelin...

Feel like getting an early start on your Non-Denominational Seasonal Gift Giving Holiday (a.k.a. "Christmas")? Filthy fucking rich? If so, then you may want to check out the new Nieman Marcus Christmas catalogue. It's filled with all sorts of wonderful and affordable gift ideas. Here are some samples:

- A limited-edition 2005 Maserati Quattroporte - Comes in at a cool $125,000. A light breeze through your wallet.

- His And Hers Bowling Alley - Like to bowl, but hate to leave your estate and mix with the common rabble? Well, why not build your own alley? Starting at $1,450,000.

- Underwater Aviator - It's a fucking submarine! A SUBMARINE! Jacques Cousteau would have given his left and right nut to get his hands on one of these bad boys, and it's only gonna cost you $1,700,000 (believe me, for a submarine, that's a steal).

- Zeppelin - Ah, what kind of a filthy rich lunatic is complete without his or her own zeppelin? Look dude, the Jones' across the street just bought their own zeppelin. You're better than the Jones', right? That's what I thought. Now, pull out that chequebook, cut a cheque for $10,000,000, and let's getting flying! "Hey there, rich asshole, flying through the sky so fancy free..."

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

There is no "I" in "Team", but there is an "I" in "Pie"...

Windom Earle Radio: Recognize, biatch!
The 8500 Calorie Sandwich: The Atkins backlash begins.
Conan to replace Leno in 2009: That's five years too late.
Leno is the Mike Bullard of the U.S.: Nuff said.

Monday, September 27, 2004

"I met her on Monday, 'twas my lucky bun-day." - from "Big Bottom" by Spinal Tap

Friday: Cheep booze with my fellow nerds at the CS building. Then more booze and XBOX with Rossco and his pallies.

Saturday: Tom's Little Havana solo mission. Sat at the bar and talked with the bartenders and various regulars. Got shitfaced. Actually ordered something different than a pint of Keith's for once (a Bloody Mary with a dash of horseradish, and a gin and tonic).Passed out on my couch when I got home (with all of the lights on in the apartment).

Sunday: Movie Night: Shaun Of The Dead. I had missed this during the film fest, so Mike and I took a jaunt out to Bayer's Lake to check it out. It was fantabulous. Prior to the film we went to Jack Astor's for a pint and a bite. I had the Deluxe Bacon Cheeseburger. Tasty, but quite filling. This place wasn't as goofy as I was expecting it to be, but it certainly isn't a place I could see myself going on a regular basis.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Boozin' It Up At The Ole Booze Bar

So last night, myself, a couple of co-workers, and various other rastabouts and vagabounds went to The Grawood Lounge to drink and make merry. The Grawood, or simply, "The Wood", as the kids call it, is the campus bar for my Alma Mater and current employer, Dalhousie University. The draft was plentiful and shitty (but also "cheep, cheep", like the budgie), and the pool was billiard-like. Pleasantries were exchanged, and joshes were had. A good time was had by all. Still, something bothered me about the whole experience. There is just something about that bar that really frosts my onions. So, here are...

The 5 Things I Dislike Most About The Grawood

  1. The New Look
    When I first came to Dal, the Grawood was located in the basement of the Student Union building, and its decor was much different than it is now. It used to be a somewhat cozy, pub-like little place, with wood everywhere (hence the name, I suppose). Since then, the bar has moved up one floor and had a complete overhaul of its look. Now it's all exposed pipes, industrial looking, uber-modern, and black. I once asked a server if the bar could be any more black, and she replied, "None. It could be none more black." Everytime I go in there for lunch I expect to be greeted by Trent Reznor. It certainly is a pretty drab look (especially at night), and doesn't really project "friendly student hangout" vibes.

  2. The "Entertainment"
    The Grawood rarely has live bands, and when they do, they are usually the shittiest variety of generic college rock cover bands that aren't even talented enough to grace the stage of the illustrious Pogue Fado. Apparently the The Superfriendz are coming in October, so maybe their getting they're act together on this front.

  3. Theme Nights
    "Foam Party Night". "Cowboys and Schoolgirls Night." "Frat & Sorority Date Rape Night". What a fucking joke. There are enough clubs in Halifax that have these sorts of theme nights, which in the end are basically excuses for drunken 20-somethings to dress as sluttily as possible and grope each other on a crowded dancefloor, while some shitty-assed DJ plays Top 40 pop and R&B garbage. Wow, that last statement came off as really bitter. I guess I'm not that far from sitting on my porch with a shotgun full of rock salt, yelling at neighbourhood kids to get off of my lawn.

  4. Tony Lee, The X-Rated Hypnotist
    Now, I realize that one performer does not have much to do with the quality of a bar, but this has to be said. If you've attended university in Canada in the last 10 years or so, you've probably seen (or at least heard of) this guy. He is a hypnotist/comedy/jack-ass, who does "raunchy and risque" shows at campus bars and clubs all over the country. The Grawood has him by at least twice a year, it seems. He takes a few dumb-asses out of the audience, hypnotizes them, and then proceeds to get them to do all manners of sexually suggestive and embarrassing things. "Oh look, those two homophobic frat boy jocks are 69'ing each other! How uproarious!" "What's this, that drunken young girl is pretending to do a pole dance? How clever..." This guy is about as funny as a kick in the taint.

  5. Two words: Pink. Wristbands.
    So I was in the bar for at least 2 hours last night, happily drinking my shitty draft and showcasing my amazing pool skills, when I decided to "freshen my drink", as the saying goes. When I get to the bar and ask the young lass for another beer, she says, "Oh, you have to have a wristband." "Pardon?" "Yeah, after 9 PM, you have to show your ID to the bouncer out front and get a wristband to show you are of age. It's a rule we have." This struck me as odd, as this same woman was serving me booze all evening and hadn't once asked for any proof of age. Still, I wanted another drink, so I bit the bullet. So, the rest of the night was spent walking around with this fruity little pink wristband on. Yeah, this is a great rule. Incidentaly, at least 4 or 5 people ordered drinks while I was at the bar, and none of them had wristbands on. I guess it pays to know people. Maybe the wristbands are a means of marking outsiders to the rest of the group. Fuck man, I'm way too cool for pink wristbands.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Those darn kids today, with their rock and roll music...

In an attempt to make this here blog "more political", here's a link to U.S. Presidential hopeful John Kerry's old garage band, The Electras. Looking at the photo on the first page, it's easy to see why parents and community leaders back then thought that rock music would corrupt the youth and lead to juvenile delinquancy. Those kids are just awash in youthfull exhuberance and sexuality.

Here are some pics of the cast of the Fantastic Four movie. The character I was most interested in seeing was, of course, The Thing - you know, the big dude made out of rock. Assuming they do some touch ups in post-production, I think the character will look pretty good. Also, kudos to the production team for casting Jessica Alba as Sue Storm, A.K.A. "The Invisible Woman". Kudos.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Confessions of a TV Junkie...

So I've made a decision about my current non-cable situation: not only am I going to get cable, I've decided to get digital cable. It doesn't cost that much more than regular cable (apart from the initial installation fee, which is about double), and you can get some fairly decent specialty channels. Plus, Eastlink has a deal going where you can get all 9 of their specialty channel "theme packs" free for the first 2 months. The Game Show Network, the Independent Film Channel, Drive-In Classics, you name, they have a channel for it. I'm stoked because I'll finally be able to see Press Your Luck again. You know, the game show with the "Whammy" things. Yup, it's going to be TV overload in my little swinging-bachelor pad. I guess beer alone wasn't destroying my mind quick enough...

I've probably posted this link before, but here it is again, because I think it's friggin' funny: Engrish.

38 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

Wordsmith: For those of you who feel like you don't do anything productive during your day, why not learn a new word?

Monday, September 20, 2004

Super fun party weekend wrap up!

This weekend I saw Incident at Loch Ness at the Atlantic Film Festival. It was a good movie about making movies. I also made veggie chili... umm, that's about it. I'm not sure how much more of this hard partying lifestyle I can take.

Make your own corncob pipe.

"So, who's turn is it to feed the shark?"

Friday, September 17, 2004

My Fortress Of Solitude

Top 5 Perks Of Living Alone

  1. Cleanliness.
    Living by yourself simply does wonders for the overall cleanliness of your house/apartment/old refridgerator box. There is just not enough people around to make a huge mess. This could backfire, of course, if one begins to take on the mindset, "Hey, since I'm all by myself, who cares how messy the place gets. Who's gonna complain?" I've been to some bachelor apartments that looked like a localized hurricane blew through and the occupant was still waiting for the disaster relief money to come in.

  2. You have no one to blame but yourself.
    With roomates, you're always chasing them down for bill money, bitching at them for not cleaning, or some such nonsense. If the dishes aren't getting done, or the phone bill is 3 months past due, you know exactly who to complain to. Mind you, if you start arguing to yourself about why you didn't scrub the toilet out last night, like you asked yourself to, then you've got some much more serious issues to deal with.

  3. No more disappearing food.
    It is a scientifically proven fact that roomates will "borrow" your food when you want it the most. It will be a scorching hot summer day, you've just come in from a 5-mile run (or a 2 minute walk to the liqour store, depending on your fitness level), and the only thing you want in the world is a cool, refreshing glass of orange juice. Your orange juice container is in the fridge, right where you left it, but when you begin to pour yourself a glass, three drops fall out. This is when the blinding rage begins. You ask your roomates, calmly, if any of them drank the last of your juice. They look at you like you're speaking in ancient Sanskrit, then promptly leave the room. Assholes. This is when you put a generous portion of Metamucil into their OJ, and then proceed to hide every roll of toilet paper in the house. That'll teach em.

  4. "Whaddya mean I can't listen to Iron Maiden at 2:00 AM?"
    One of the joys of living alone is having the freedom to do pretty much anything you want, at any time of day, within the rules set down by your apartment complex/cell block. Wanna practice yodeling at 4 in the morning? Yodle away my friend. Like to fall asleep to extremely loud drum and bass music? Shine on, you crazy diamond. Wanna hang out in your living room all day in your bathrobe, watching cartoons and eating Fruit Loops straight out of the box? Give 'er. Umm, I've never done that last one, by the way...

  5. Privacy.
    Look, if you're going to stumble home drunk, attempt to make a hero sandwich (spilling half of it on the kitchen floor), take off all of your clothes and pass out on the bathroom floor, it's best to do so in a place that is away from the prying eyes of roomates. Not that I know this from experience, or anything. This happened to a friend of mine, umm, yeah, that's it. Guy Incognito, I think his name was...

10 Reasons Why Johnny Ramone Rocked

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Johnny Ramone: 1948 - 2004

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Go Canadiana!

So, apparently Canada is good at hockey, or something...

Six days until Season 4 of Mr. Show is released on DVD. I'm so excited I could plotz.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Slow day today... here's a nice change from the normal run of things around here, some completely friggin' useless Interweb hotlinks!!

Uncool Central - A link to a site that has more links to other sites, that all probably have links to other sites... I could go on, but your head would explode from the sheer hugeness of it all.

Here's a link I found on the Rock And Roll Confidential forums the other day:

Statue Records - This may be the saddest webpage that I have ever seen for a record label. Seriously, if anybody from this label ever happens upon this blog entry, please take my advice: go back to school, learn a trade, get a real job, and drop all notions of being involved in the music industry in any shape or form. Please. Kind of harsh, I know, but it's for your own good. Thank me later. (Note: to hear the audio samples, you need to have the Real Player installed. Actually, if you don't have it installed, don't bother. The samples aren't worth it.)

Monday, September 13, 2004

Monday the 13th (the second most unlucky day of the year)

I made beef stew this weekend. I'm domestic as a muthafucka over here...

Last night I was at some Italian Society thing with Mike and some of his co-workers. I'm not sure if any of you folks saw the movie The Wanderers, but if you remember the scene at the end when there's this big party in a church hall or something for Richie's wedding, that's kind of what it was like last night. Some old dudes were playing bocce. I drank a shit-ton of cheap red wine and started saying shit like, "Ay, where's the pasta fazool at, ah?", and "Ay, fuggeddabutit, quit bustin my balls ova here, Vincenzo sleeps with the fishes." I'm amazed that I didn't get my ass kicked.

My Statcounter tells me that I'm getting a recent influx of American visitors to my little waste of bandwidth here. A hearty Canadian welcome to you all. Wipe your feet before you come in, and be sure to turn off the lights and lock the doors if you're the last one out at night. Some people forget to do that. I'm looking at you, Singapore...

Friday, September 10, 2004

Could it be anymore Friday? The answer is none; it could be none more Friday.

So, due to some miscommunications, I do not have cable at my new place. I'll spare you the details. The short version is: I didn't have it, then I had it, then I didn't have it, and stuff happened in between there. Now comes the big decision: do I actually want cable? In an attempt to aid my decision, here are the...

Top 5 Reasons Why I Do Not Need Cable.

  1. Most cable programming is not entertaining.
    Lets face it: the majority of shows on cable TV are completely devoid of any value whatsoever, be it entertainment value or otherwise. The fact that shows such as The Gilmore Girls and The O.C. even exist is almost enough to swear off cable for good.

  2. Two words: Reality Television
    This is related to the previous item, but I think that it deserves its own section. I pose a question to you: When the fuck did people decide that real real-life is more entertaining than fake real-life? I get enough reality everyday at work for my liking, thank you very much. I like my television and movies to provide a little bit of escapism, you know? What happened to the days when reality TV meant the news and sports, and that was basically it. This craze has just gotten way out of hand (like 4 years ago). I actually have an idea for a show: take Jeff Probst, Paris Hilton and her pseudo-celebrity pal, Nick and Jessica (throw in Carmen and Dave as well), and every network executive who ever greenlighted shows such as Trading Spouses or The Swan (Fox Broadcasting would be decimated), put them on an island in the South Pacific, take away all of the cameras and film equipment, and just fucking leave them there. Hopefully, they'll all turn on each other, Lord Of The Flies style, and we'll never have to worry about this reality TV shit again.

  3. The cost.
    If I decide to get the full-tier cable package, it would cost me around $50 a month. Now, I can probably afford this, but $50/month for a luxury that I don't really need may be a bit much. I mean, I could spend that on beer, movies, food, new socks, beer, or the Kung Fu: The Complete First Season DVD box set.

  4. I would read more.
    I went through a period a few years ago where I was hardly reading anything at all (except music magazines). During the last year, I have started reading a lot more, but I'm still not reading nearly as much as I used to. It's just so much easier to plunk down in front of the old set on shut your brain off for a few hours. Mind you, it would be pretty hard to find a book as entertaining as reruns of Welcome Back, Kotter now, wouldn't it?

  5. It will force me to go out into "the world" more.
    I think that I am a fairly social creature, and I relish any chance I can get to get out of the house and socialize with other humans. However, there have been times where I was kind of sitting on the fence about whether to go out somewhere or not, and I finally thought to myself, "You know, I could go out tonight, or I could just stay home and watch Shark Week on the Discovery Channel." Now, if I didn't have cable, then I wouldn't have that option. Cable is an easy fallback option, perhaps too easy. Mind you, Shark Week is some kick-ass TV. Did you see the one where it showed those sharks that like, jump out of the water and shit? Man, that was sweet...

So there it is. Anybody who ahs any reasons why I should get cable, please leave me your suggestions in the comments for this post. I'm pretty sure that I'll just end up getting it anyways, but you never know.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

I Scream, You Scream...

I've spent my entire life trying to find a place that sells smoked trout ice-cream. Finally, my search is over.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Peep this, sucka!

The Atari Flashback
Atari is coming out with a scaled down model of their old Atari 7800 game console. It comes built in with 20 games, including Asteroids, Breakout, and Centipede. Me want. Seeing as how my old 7800 is basically junk now (it works about 1 out of 50 times you turn it on), and that this will probably be dirt cheap (if not, it should be), I just may have to buy this. Who needs an XBOX or a Playstation 2 when you have Asteroids?

Guess what, more 80's TV ads! The nostalgia's so thick, you can cut it with a knife.

The Childcare Action Project
Wanna figure out if that movie you watched last night is gonna send you straight to Hell? Then check this out!

The 50 Weirdest Guinness World Records
The Rest

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Pass the beer bong, dude...

So it seems as though some plucky American inventors have developed a device that allows you to inhale a combination of alcohol and oxygen, giving you all of the drunkeness with less hangover and calories. As someone who occasionally imbibes in the odd beer or cocktail, you would think that I would be hauling out my credit card and ordering 10 of these bad boys. Well, your wrong. Dead wrong. This is the most retarded thing I have ever heard of. Seriously, if you can't handle to negative aspects that come hand in hand with drinking alcohol, then you should probably get off of the booze-train at the next stop. Grow some dreads, get a hacky-sack, buy some Phish and Dave Matthews records, and hop on the Canni-Bus (NOTE: joke stolen from a Mr. Show sketch). Buy the ticket, take the ride, is what I say (NOTE: quote stolen from Hunter S. Thompson).

I watched the first season of Sealab 2021 this weekend. You should too. It is the funny. Erik Estrada does one of the voices. That is enough reason to watch it right there.

In some weird British poll, Beaker and Bunsen from The Muppets were voted as Britain's favorite TV scientists, beating out such luminaries as Dana Scully from the X-Files and Spock from Star Trek. I wonder how many votes the dude who made Vicki from Small Wonder got?

Friday, September 03, 2004

Long weekend biatches!

Thank Jeebus for Labour Day...
Here's the shitty list:

Top 5 Numbers

  1. 99
    I think that this one is pretty obvious.

  2. 79
    The year of my birth. In music, "London Calling" by The Clash, and "Singles Going Steady" by The Buzzcocks were released this year. In movies, Alien and The Life of Brian were released. Not too shabby.

  3. 0 (Zero)
    A number that quantifies nothing. Wrap your head around that one, genius.

  4. Pi
    I like pie. Blueberry especially.

  5. 5
    The perfect size for shitty lists.

On a completely unrelated note, Eastlink can eat a bowl of dicks. I hate utilities.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Those Were The Days

Last night was Retro Night at the The Marquee. Man, that "Oh What a Night" song, or whatever it's called, really sucks. That song should only be played at junior high dances. 10 years ago. Anyhow, all that "retro" music put me in a nostalgic frame of mind, and got us to talking about cartoons in the 80s. Ah, memories. The first one that came to my mind was Go-Bots. Go-Bots was essentially one of those cartoons created for the express purpose of hawking sweatshop-produced toys to greedy little kiddies. If you are unfamiliar with the Go-Bots, I'll put them in perspective for you: Go-Bots are essentially what your parents would buy you if they didn't feel like ponying up the cash for a Transformer (I used to always use the un-politically correct term "Welfare Transformers". Not nice, I know, but apt.). Those were the days.

On a completely unrelated note, Aliant Telecom can go and eat a bowl of dicks. That is all.