Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Friday, August 27, 2004

"I Did It All For The Nookie..."

Anybody that know's me probably realizes that I'm not a violent person, by nature. I'll do just about anything to avoid confrontation, which stems from basically two things: my general dislike of violence (excluding movies, video games, and professional wrestling), and the fact that I'm a wussy little pantywaist who probably couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag. That being said, sometimes even I lose control and want to "throw down" on some unsuspecting punk. Music often provokes this reaction. So here it is folks, here are the

Top 5 Bands That I Would Like To Beat Up

  1. Limp Bizkit
    How in the hell are these guys still around making "music"? What kind of a loving God would allow His Durstness and cronies to continue to spew forth their unique brand of audio diarrhea? These guys are basically the soundtrack for date raping, meathead fratboys everywhere. Apparently the original guitarist, Wes Borland, has rejoined the band. What the hell was he thinking?! Dude was like totally out of Limp Bizkit, and all of a sudden he decides to go back! That's like escaping from prison, then turning around and going back because you forgot to say goodbye to your cellmate Tiny.

  2. Maroon 5
    Speaking of wussy pantywaists...
    Man, I cannot turn on the TV or radio these days without hearing this dude's high pitched choirboy whine. Now I'm not exactly a testosterone-fueled macho he-man, but these nancy boys make me look like Charles Bronson! Listening to these guys is about the equivalent of watching the Life Network for 24 hours straight... kiss any sort of manliness you once had goodbye. Now, I realize that these guys are definitely out to conquer the young heterosexual female market, and I really don't have any problems with a group of guys who don't way to play up to some kind of macho rock star image, but give me a break here. These douchebags have about as much soul as Vanilla Ice. I'm amazed that these guys haven't had a song on The O.C. yet.

  3. Good Charlotte
    Mascara and faux-hawks do not a punk band make. Shit, I'm more punk than these clowns! Good Charlotte is basically what punk looks like through the eyes of a 45 year old record company executive whose favorite band is Fleetwood Mac. I think that the ghosts of Joe Strummer and Joey Ramone should come down to Earth and give those little pissants the haunting of a lifetime.

  4. 50 Cent and G-Unit
    I'd love to lay the smackdown on everyone of these pseudo-thugs, but I'm sure that it would probably end in me getting "a cap in my ass", or some such thing. I don't want to sound like an old fogie, but hip hop just ain't what it used to be. I remember a time, long ago, when bands like De La Soul, A Tribe Called Quest, Public Enemy, and Run DMC were tops in the rap game. Souls of Mischeif, Eric B. And Rakim, and Black Sheep were "the bomb", as the kids say. I also used to walk to school in five feet of snow, with no shoes, uphill, both ways...

  5. Evanescence
    Note to the reader: if you listen to this band and are not a 14-year old girl, please seek help. Seriously.
    Now I'm not saying that I would ever beat up a woman, but I would at least give her a stern talking too. This band sounds so manufactured and ridiculous, it amazes me that they have fooled so many of today's youth into thinking that their music is "deep" and "meaningfull". Lead singer lady's lyrics look like they were hoisted out of any random teen-aged goth girl's diary: "I'm going under / drowning in you / i'm falling forever / i've got to break through /i'm going under"; or "call my name and save me from the dark / bid my blood to run / before i come undone / save me from the nothing i've become". Man, that's deep. Please.


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