Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

"For the sickness, that be spreadin with the quickness Remedies, cousin I be doin on my enemies Penalty, then I drink forties to they memories" - "Release Yo' Delf" by Method Man

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

One is the loneliest number...

So I'm finally moved into my 1-bedroom "swinging bachelor pad". Thank the gods. Now I can finally sit around in my underwear eating beef jerky while watching infomercials, away from the cold, judging eyes of roomates. Always watching. Always judging.

Feel free to send me some housewarming gifts. A couch or a coffee table would be super. A plasma screen TV would be even better. Or, how about one of these?

Monday, August 30, 2004

I hate moving.

I hate moving.

But I'm basically finished now and in my new place. Yay! Many thanks to my Aunt Margaret and her surprisingly roomy Honda Civic LX. Now comes the fun of unpacking and setting up. Boo.

Yup, you are not hallucinating. Steven Seagal made an album. The apocalypse is nigh. Repent and ye shall be saved. Check out the website for some music clips and more information than you ever wanted or needed to know about everybody's favorite ponytailed martial arts dude.

Friday, August 27, 2004

"I Did It All For The Nookie..."

Anybody that know's me probably realizes that I'm not a violent person, by nature. I'll do just about anything to avoid confrontation, which stems from basically two things: my general dislike of violence (excluding movies, video games, and professional wrestling), and the fact that I'm a wussy little pantywaist who probably couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag. That being said, sometimes even I lose control and want to "throw down" on some unsuspecting punk. Music often provokes this reaction. So here it is folks, here are the

Top 5 Bands That I Would Like To Beat Up

  1. Limp Bizkit
    How in the hell are these guys still around making "music"? What kind of a loving God would allow His Durstness and cronies to continue to spew forth their unique brand of audio diarrhea? These guys are basically the soundtrack for date raping, meathead fratboys everywhere. Apparently the original guitarist, Wes Borland, has rejoined the band. What the hell was he thinking?! Dude was like totally out of Limp Bizkit, and all of a sudden he decides to go back! That's like escaping from prison, then turning around and going back because you forgot to say goodbye to your cellmate Tiny.

  2. Maroon 5
    Speaking of wussy pantywaists...
    Man, I cannot turn on the TV or radio these days without hearing this dude's high pitched choirboy whine. Now I'm not exactly a testosterone-fueled macho he-man, but these nancy boys make me look like Charles Bronson! Listening to these guys is about the equivalent of watching the Life Network for 24 hours straight... kiss any sort of manliness you once had goodbye. Now, I realize that these guys are definitely out to conquer the young heterosexual female market, and I really don't have any problems with a group of guys who don't way to play up to some kind of macho rock star image, but give me a break here. These douchebags have about as much soul as Vanilla Ice. I'm amazed that these guys haven't had a song on The O.C. yet.

  3. Good Charlotte
    Mascara and faux-hawks do not a punk band make. Shit, I'm more punk than these clowns! Good Charlotte is basically what punk looks like through the eyes of a 45 year old record company executive whose favorite band is Fleetwood Mac. I think that the ghosts of Joe Strummer and Joey Ramone should come down to Earth and give those little pissants the haunting of a lifetime.

  4. 50 Cent and G-Unit
    I'd love to lay the smackdown on everyone of these pseudo-thugs, but I'm sure that it would probably end in me getting "a cap in my ass", or some such thing. I don't want to sound like an old fogie, but hip hop just ain't what it used to be. I remember a time, long ago, when bands like De La Soul, A Tribe Called Quest, Public Enemy, and Run DMC were tops in the rap game. Souls of Mischeif, Eric B. And Rakim, and Black Sheep were "the bomb", as the kids say. I also used to walk to school in five feet of snow, with no shoes, uphill, both ways...

  5. Evanescence
    Note to the reader: if you listen to this band and are not a 14-year old girl, please seek help. Seriously.
    Now I'm not saying that I would ever beat up a woman, but I would at least give her a stern talking too. This band sounds so manufactured and ridiculous, it amazes me that they have fooled so many of today's youth into thinking that their music is "deep" and "meaningfull". Lead singer lady's lyrics look like they were hoisted out of any random teen-aged goth girl's diary: "I'm going under / drowning in you / i'm falling forever / i've got to break through /i'm going under"; or "call my name and save me from the dark / bid my blood to run / before i come undone / save me from the nothing i've become". Man, that's deep. Please.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

"We're gonna need a bigger boat..."

Last night I went to see the new shark movie, Open Water. Now, I'm a sucker for a good shark movie, so I was looking forward to this. I even sort of liked Deep Blue Sea, the movie with the super intelligent, genetically altered sharks (not to mention LL Cool J). A quick and dirty summary of this movie could be: "Blair Witch On The Open Ocean". The film was shot with digital video, and has the same kind of "pseudo-documentary" feel that The Blair Witch Project had. The premise is simple enough: a couple on vacation become stranded while doing some deep-sea diving, and, well, that's it. Badness ensues. Now, many people may become bored watching 2 people float around in the water for an hour and a half, but I thought that the filmmakers did a good job of conveying the overall shittiness of being stranded at sea, without resorting to the usual Hollywood bullshit. The sharks in the film were real, not some CGI rendered monsters, and the low-budget "realness" of the movie drives home the notion that this could (and has) happen to anybody (well, anybody who goes deep sea diving in shark invested waters, that is). Now, don't get me wrong, there are some slow parts in the film, and it's far from perfect, but for a movie with a production budget less than $150,000, I'd say that it wasn't too shabby at all. That being said, I'll still take Jaws over this any day of the week, if only for Robert Shaw's drunken ramblings: "You go in the cage, cage goes in the water, you go in the water. Shark's in the water, our shark."

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Whaddya mean I can't get that copy of "The Bone Ranger" I ordered?

Here is an excerpt from Canada Customs & Revenue's Prohibited Importations Unit report, from The Smoking Gun. It basically lists a bunch of obscene or potentially obscene materials, with a desigination saying if it is allowed to be imported into Canada. This is fantastic reading material. A funny idea would be to take a random sampling of titles from this list, write them on a piece of paper, title the list "(Insert Name Here)'s Wish List", then stick it on your fridge where your roomates or family members or whatever can read it. They'll never look at you the same way again.

30 Second Bunnies Theatre

Monday, August 23, 2004

Wha happened?

This weekend marked the first annual "Iain Gillis-Shamus Blair Weekend Pub Crawl and Joyathon". Shamus showed up at my place Friday evening, and the hijinks began. The IGSBWPB&J started slowly, with some bottles of Alexander Keith's (or, if you're from Cape Breton, "a couple a' bottles a' Keets, wha?), and some Chappelle's Show on DVD. We convinced Lena to join us, and we all headed down to Maxwell's Plum. We had a few pitchers of shitty Clancy's draught, then headed over to Tom's (after making a pit stop at Pizza Corner. I opted for a slice of donair pizza. I should have went for Meat On A Stick.). We had a beer here, then Shamus fell asleep. It was time to call it a night.

Saturday began with a trip to McDonald's, then we watched my DVD of Hannibal, and I suddenly had a craving for some fava beans, and a nice Chianti. Day 2 then began in earnest, as we headed back downtown to make with the "drinky drink". Dinner was at the Thirsty Duck. I think Shamus and I were the youngest people in the bar. It was a middle-age free-for-all in there. Next we headed over to Dooley's, where we split a pitcher of draught and I schooled Shamus in the fine art of billiards for an hour. The next stop was the lovely Oasis Bar and Grill. This place is great: $2.25 draught and free shuffleboard. Defeat was in the cards once again for Shamus, as I proved my might on the shuffleboard table. We then headed down to the (in)famous Liqour Dome to catch the Rock Ranger show upstairs at The Attic. We got there early, so we went downstairs to Cheers and had some more cheap draught. I soon switched to Gin & Pineapples, and Shamus switched to Rum & Cokes, and "it was on like neckbone", as the saying goes. Rock Ranger was pretty good, more drinks were had, things started to get fuzzy after that. I talked to a bunch of ex-Sydneyers, my good buddy Windom Earle, and God knows who else. Somewhere along the line I lost Shamus, so I went home and assumed he could find his way.

By the time Sunday morning came, we were both feeling a bit sluggish, so we felt that the only thing to perk us up would be some good ol' eggs & bacy brunch action, courtesy of the Athens Restaurant. We rounded out the weekend by going to see The Exorcist: The Beginning. Tired and rundown, the rest of the day was spent on the couch watching the Olympics. All in all, a successful weekend (although my liver would probably disagree). I can't wait for the next one.

Friday, August 20, 2004

Thank Jeebus for V8 juice...

Since I'm tired as all get out, and nursing a wicked bad hangover, today's Top 5 list is just a list of interesting news items I found on Fark today. And that's all you vultures are getting.

Top 5 Interesting News Articles I Found On Today
I'll never make fun of the French again...
It sucks to live in the U.K. port Sheerness these days.
One more reason NOT to buy Old Navy.
And I thought that the "Downhomer" breakfast combo at Jasper's was the most unhealthy meal in the world.
Science is fun! YAY!

Thursday, August 19, 2004

"Everyone's a super hero; Everyone's a Captain Kirk" Looking for a place where you can watch old TV ads for crap like Rainbow Brite Cereal, Go-Bots, and Lazer Tag Light Guns? No? Well, here it is anyway, ya ungrateful ingrates ya. More television ads, but this time they're coming from the wackiest place in the whole wide world, Japan! All of these ads feature Western celebrities, such as Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Jones. My suggestion: check out Nicholas Cage's and Arnold Schwarzenegger's first. Comedy gold.

80's Music Lyrics: Yeah, I know, more 80's retro culture BS. But this site actually came in handy. Now, I finally know the words to the English version of "99 Luftballons". Someday I hope to own a "super high-tech jet fighter".

Mr. Picassohead: Just like Mr. Potatohead, but, you know, more abstract.

Webtender: For every 100 websites that are complete and utter wastes of time and space, there is 1 site that may actually be useful in your daily life. This is one of them. This blog is another.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Internetting is Fun! The Number One bonus in not being lactose intolerant. Because making fun of other cultures is fun! I've never actually had a Twinkie before, but I never knew that so much could be done with them.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Da Weekend: Quick & Dirty Version

Friday: Went to Tom's with Jennifer. Had a few pints and a Tom Collins. Saw Chixdiggit at Stage Nine. Perfectly acceptable "1-2-3 GO!" punk rock. Many beers consumed. Some random soreness in the morning (Note to self: moshing should be left to 16 year olds). Good fun had by all.

Saturday: Went to Alien Vs. Predator. The verdict? Not nearly as bad as people would like you to believe. However, for a film called "Alien Vs. Predator", there wasn't nearly enough Alien Vs. Predator action. My suggestion for the next big VS. film: Critters Vs. Leprechaun. Went to Tom's (Yes, again. Who are you to judge me?), this time with "The Factmeister". Had a few pints, then went upstairs to see Slowcoaster. The show was pretty good, but lately Slowcoaster shows are attracting way too many hippies for my liking. The smell of patchouli was overpowering. To any hippies out there: don't get your hemp hacky-sack in a twist, I'm just kidding (or am I?).

Sunday: Watched the Olympics. Ate some Chinese food (ginger beef is the good). Yup, that's about it.

Friday, August 13, 2004


Happy Friday The 13th everyone!

5 Dumbest Bad Luck Superstitions (courtesy of Old

  1. Giving away a wedding present:
    If this is bad luck, then I'd say just about every married couple ever has had bad luck. I mean, how many blenders and punchbowls does one couple need, anyhow?

  2. Opening an umbrella indoors:
    This isn't bad luck, it's just stupid and unnecessary. Unless you have big holes in your roof. If that's the case, then you have more serious problems to think about.

  3. To pass anyone on a staircase:
    I think the only time this should be valid is for escalators. People who walk up the escalator to pass you should be in line for some serious bad luck. I mean, come on now, just let the escalator do its job, you'll get to the top soon enough, jackass.

  4. If an egg falls and it is undamaged or merely cracked:
    This doesn't portend bad luck, it just shows that you have some wicked strong eggs. I'd say that's good luck. Now, if an egg jumps out of the carton and starts to fry itself on your counter, then you're fucked. Better call the Ghostbusters.

  5. Breaking a glass while proposing a toast:
    If this happens, you're probably drunk. Sleep it off, rummy.

Thursday, August 12, 2004


So the Olympics have started. Huzzah. I'm kind of upset this year, because my favorite basketball player, Vlade Divac, won't be playing this year for Serbia-Montenegro, so it looks like another gold for the U.S.. I'm tellin ya, if Vlade was there, it'd be a different story.

Had supper at Freeman's yesterday, which is the closest thing we have to a neighbourhood bar here in the Quinpool Road part of town. I had the club sandwich. It was fine, except for one little detail... the chicken was breaded! I'm not sure what planet the chefs at Freeman's live on, but here on planet Earth, the chicken in a clubhouse sandwich is not supposed to be breaded. I thought that this was common knowledge. The beer was good, though.

Found Magazine. I "found out" about this magazine the other day. (*Insert laughter here*)

Wednesday, August 11, 2004


After hearing various reports from friends about The Village, ranging from "It was great! Two thumbs up!", to "That was 2 hours of my life I can never get back.", I finally broke down and went to see it last night. The verdict? Meh.

I've seen worse movies, and I've seen better. I thought the acting, overall, was decent, and there were a couple suspenseful moments. The movie kind of dragged on in parts I thought, and the big shocking/surprise ending wasn't as shocking/surprising as I thought it was going to be. All in all, I would say that this movie wasn't a complete waste of time, but thats about as far as I would go with my praise. I will say this though, M. Night Shyamalan's name is fast becoming synonomous with "one-trick pony". Hey there, M. Night, movies don't always have to have a crazy twist ending all the time, you know.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004


So, how does Iain spend his Monday nights, you ask? If you said listening to The Hives' new CD "Tyrannosaurus Hives" and drinking Carling Black Label, then you are correct. Your prize is in the mail. If you didn't guess correctly, then you have shamed your family and country. Report to the dojo to undertake the ritual seppuku.

Did somebody say "sausage"?

The new craze for giant losers everywhere.

So apparently Latoya Jackson is changing her name to "Toy". In other news, apparently Latoya Jackson is still alive. Who knew?

I also watched part of Batman: Forever on TV last night. You know, the one with the Val Kilmer edition Batman. Good lord that movie sucked! Batman Begins better be good, or this franchise will deader than the "Police Academy" franchise.

Monday, August 09, 2004


So this Friday, against my better judgement, I went to Pogue Fado again. The verdict: this bar still is the shitty.

Rick James: February 1, 1948 - August 6, 2004. Vaya con dios, Superfreak.

Kill Bill Vol.2. This will be mine tomorrow. Oh yes, it will be mine. I'm thinking a Vol.1 & Vol.2 viewing party sometime in the near future...

Friday, August 06, 2004

Faster, Stronger, Whatever

In honour of the upcoming Athens Summer Games, here is my list of the worst (in my opinion) events.

Bottom 5 Summer Olympic Sports

This is almost the equivalent of watching people play darts on TV. This is a sport that seriously needs spicing up. For example, you could put the archers on horseback. Or, instead of a target, have a dude with an apple on his head. Or dress them all up in Robin Hood costumes. Whatever. As it stands now, archery is about one rung below Skeet Shooting on the excitement ladder.

Don't get me wrong: I like basketball. It's one of the few sports I can actually play with some level of skill. I am just sick and tired of seeing the U.S. team steamroll over every nation they face, every friggin year! In pre-Olympic action this year, the U.S. lost to Italy. Here's to hoping this trend continues.

Rhythmic Gymnastics
This "sport" is retarded. Seriously. End of story.

Look, if I wanted to watch roided up freaks of nature sweat and grunt for a few hours, I'd watch Major League Baseball. At least baseball has fun organ music.

Yeah, yeah, "Olympic" or "Amateur" style wrestling is "real" wrestling, and professional wrestling is basically a testosterone-fueled soap opera, but until the Olympic committee allows piledrivers, folding chairs, shady managers to be used in wrestling, I'll stick with the fake kind, thank you very much.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Gentlemen, behold!

Yesterday I bought the Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Vol.2 DVD. You should too. This is THE funny.

Haul out those credit cards and order your very own boyfriend pillow. Do I even have to tell you that this is Japanese?

The White House Gift List, 2003, courtesy of The Smoking Gun.

This dude rates things. That pretty much says it all.

Pranks, experiments, naughty food items, and more!

Last night I saw The Manchurian Candidate. I thought that it was quite well done, in a tinfoil hat kind of way.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

A Day That Will Live In Infamy

It is with a heavy heart and a crushed spirit that I pass this sad news on to you: as of Wednesday, August 4, 2004 (to be known henceforth as "Black Wednesday"), there will be no more monkey kickboxing. What has the human race come to?

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Hooray for long weekends!

The weekend summary, now in convenient list form.

Foodstuffs consumed:
Clams and chips
Ham and roast beef sandwiches
Baked salmon
Roast beef and turkey
Baked ham
Potato salad
Sweet and Sour Meatballs
Mini crab wraps
Beef kebabs
Cream cheese and mango chutney dip
Bacon wrapped scallops
Curried chick peas
Cheese pizza
Jolly Rancher gummies

Beverages consumed:
approx. 30 Alexander Keith's India Pale Ales
4 bottles Oland (lager)
3 sips of poteen (pronounced "Pa-cheen, Scottish moonshine)
1 glass white wine
half of a Grasshopper (cocktail made with Creme de Menthe, Milk, Vodka maybe?)
1 shot whiskey

Number of relatives at family reunion: approx. 180
Number of relatives I actually recogonized at family reunion: roughly 25
Number of various insects that attempted to eat me alive: about 1000
Number of deer seen by the roadside in Cape Breton: 1
Number of "Moose Crossing" signs seen: 3
Number of times I complained about the heat: 100
Number of books I finished on the bus ride to Sydney: 1 ("The Club Dumas", by Arturo Perez-Reverte
Number of Tall Ships seen during the Parade Of Sail:between 30 and 40
Number of Tall Ships I actually knew anything about: 0
Number of times I was awoken from peaceful slumber on the bus by annoying children: 3

So there it is (or was, I suppose). With the large amouny of food and beer I consumed, I should be about 300 pounds now, but I'm pretty sure I sweated away most of that weight. Oh, and here's a little tip for anybody who plans to visit Margaree or any other part of northen Cape Breton: the flies there seem impervious to bug spray. Must be some weird genetic mutation.